


Only fools

by LucyLightwood



Series: A Story In Three Parts [1]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anne is alive, Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sex, also i will get philip a puppy, small town being complicated, this two dorks being adorable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-11 00:23:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 30,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8945224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucyLightwood/pseuds/LucyLightwood
Summary: They kiss at the Red Hook Party. Now they are really out. 
(My take on what happens after and how Lukas and Philip deal with being out in a small town like Tivoli)





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Lukas wasn't staring. Well, maybe a little bit. But he was allowed to stare, right? Especially if it meant staring at your boyfriend who was kind of sleeping, kind of only cuddling against your chest. He smiled.  
His boyfriend.  
It had only been a month but what had happened at the cabin seemed like... a lifetime ago. And at the same time it felt like yesterday.  
He touched Philip's hair -so soft, perfect- and heard a small sigh from the boy. 

"Stop watching me sleep" 

Lukas chuckled 

"I am not watching you sleep"

"Yes you are. Is this a pale guy thing?" Lukas had no idea what other pale guy Philip was talking about and was about to ask when "Are you going to tell me you are a vampire too?" 

Oh.

"Oh God, you watched that?" 

Philip looked at him with his eyebrows slightly up and gave him a look that made him understand completely that no, he probably hadn't but if it did it was okay and it had nothing to do with him being gay. Lukas knew that, he wasn't that stupid. But that movie was still terrible.

"You did!" He tickled him a little bit, watching him move away and looked slightly pissed, slightly amused.

"Shut up" 

"Uh-oh. I'm never letting you get over that" 

"Oh really? "

"Yeah, really" The air was suddenly thick around them, and Lukas knew they weren't talking about a movie or anything. God he wanted Philip to shut him up already. He opened his mouth to say something else, some stupid thing, but Philip moved and kissed him and oh, oh God yes.  
How could someone's kisses be this good? Was that even possible? Lukas moved closer to him and made him shift softly, face up on the bed while he was almost on top. 

"Everyone knows now" He felt himself nod kissing Philip again. Why was he talking? Yes, they had kissed at the party and probably some people saw them. Alright, yes, everyone saw them and that was the plan but why were they talking about it anyway? "You okay?" 

Oh, right.  
Philip.  
He smiled and looked at him, he had asked that question at least ten times after they kissed and even on the way home and yeah, he was okay. He wasn't feeling the happiest on earth and yeah, he was kinda freaking out because he had no idea what was going to happen afterwards. But, overall, he was okay. A serial killer had been behind them for a long time, killing friends and terrorizing him in his sleep. Kissing the boy he loved at a party was... easier.  
And it was time he made up for everything he made Philip go through. Philip did not deserve that. Not in the slightest. He had never met a boy like this -obviously- but he was sure no other boy in the whole world could be like Philip. He was so full of love and understanding and compassion and he knew -he knew- life had been hard on Philip. And he was still this beautiful boy who smiled at him and kept him from losing his mind and was soft and made him a playlist. 

God his stomach hurt so much just looking at him. Not that he was going to tell him. 

"I am okay. Really. Besides Rose is okay, dad is... trying I guess." 

"I know. I am proud of you" 

And that was other thing Philip had been saying non stop since they left the party. He muttered first between kisses when they were next to his bike and Philip was kissing him like his life depended on it. He wondered if that was the moment when he realized that he had kissed him in front of the whole school. In front of people he didn't even know. In front of his friends. Everyone.  
Lukas had no idea that he wanted to hear that from him but when he did... He wants to hear it from Philip always. He wants to make his boy proud and happy. 

"Thanks" he whispered and didn't know what else to say. The feeling was, really, overwhelming. So, instead of talking, he kissed him. Because kissing Philip was easy, it was something he was sure he was born to do. He would work so hard to make this work. So fucking hard. 

And, yeah, uhm he was also getting hard. He had no idea what it was about Philip, but sometimes just a kiss or a touch or a look made his skin ache with need and the only thing he was able to think after that was the bedroom and Philip and Philip's back and his thighs and that way he had of sitting on his lap and rock his hips against him.  
Lukas moved on top of him completely, and felt how Philip spread his legs to give him room. That was probably one of the hottest things he would ever feel. The way Philip was always welcoming, always ready for him, always so soft and intimate. 

"I thought you were sleeping" he smirked against the skin of his neck, feeling Philip gasp when he sucked a patch of skin.

"I can go back to sleeping if you want" 

Oh God that tone in his voice. 

"Yeah, right" Lukas said and kissed him again, rocking his hips against Philip's. It felt amazing, the warmness and relief spreading from his crotch to the rest of his body. He moaned softly -because Helen and Gabe would probably kill him if they knew he was there and having sex with their foster son- and kept on kissing him and moving softly over him.  
Philip was looking at him every time he got the chance, holding his face between his hands and kissing him softly. 

God, he was so soft. 

Lukas put his hand behind one of Philip's knee and pulled his leg slightly up and over his hip to make the angle better for both of them. Philip's answer was a low moan and the closing of his eyes. Lukas felt like he was the best man in the whole world just for accomplishing that. And they were only moving against each other. They had done more than this already, so this should feel boring right? It didn't, it felt like everything he wanted.  
Philip moaned and grabbed his ass tightly, pushing him closer to his body. Lukas felt compelled to touch him, feel him completely. With one quick movement he pulled Philip's boxers and looked at the boy in front of him. 

God, he was staring. Again. 

He didn't think he could feel this way about another guys' dick, but this was Philip and his body was something Lukas couldn't get tired off.  
He wanted to touch him, to feel him, to...

Philip was staring tight back at him, his eyes clouded with desire.

"Do you want me to ride you?"  
Lukas' brain shut down when those words left Philip's mouth. He just stopped thinking and started feeling. He could feel his blood rushing down, his hands aching, the memory of the night at the motel still fresh in his mind.

He nodded "Yeah" 

"Say it" 

Lukas felt his mouth dry like chalk. "I want you to ride me" 

Philip grinned and made him roll over, so he could be on top straddling his lap. Lukas felt his hands on his boxers and raised his hips so he could pull them off. God, they were going to do this again. With no one after them. Free. Out. 

"Come here" he took Philip by his neck and pulled him in for a long kiss.  
*

"Did you turn your phone on again?" Philip asked closing his eyes quickly. Fuck that bright light was killing him in the middle of the dark room.

They had agreed to keep their phones off after the party and once they were at Philip's home. Mostly because Lukas' friends might want to call or maybe send texts or maybe something horrible was going to happen after they came out at the party.  
Philip highly doubted it, but he didn't want to risk it. Lukas was doing good lately, therapy does that apparently. 

"Yeah. Rose sent us this picture"  
Philip smiled, she had taken a photo of both of them smiling at each other. They looked so stupid and... well, in love. The thought made butterflies jump on his stomach. In love and out. 

"Can I post it?"

He saw Lukas doubt for a couple seconds before nodding. He was really trying. "Maybe tomorrow" He compromised, Philip really didn't want to push too much. Yes, Lukas had been a complete idiot before. But that didn't mean he's a complete asshole. He wouldn't want Lukas to be outed in an ugly way. 

"We can skip school tomorrow if you want to"

"Bad influence" 

"Shut up" He puched Lukas softly on his shoulder but moved right back against him. Thank God Lukas was spending the night, he would have hated for him to go after having sex. And... it was nice to sleep next to someone. To be held. He had never had that before. Not really.

"We're gonna have to go eventually. It's okay, Philip." 

Philip smiled back, but he wasn't so sure. I mean, yeah of course it was mostly okay. Bo was coming around -maybe, possible. Some day-, Helen and Gabe didn't seem to mind, and Rose was really nice (Philip had no idea how she was that nice, he owed her). But this was still Tivoli, a small town filled with stupid kids that threw trash at him at that party. 

"Yeah, its okay" He smiled reassuringly and hugged him, it was a little hot under the covers and next to him but that was a small price to pay.

He really hoped everything would be okay. He really did.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

“So, how was the party?” Helen looked straight at them. Damn, she was scary. Lukas tried to act cool, it was all good. She definitely did not know what they had been up to last night. She surely had been asleep the whole night with no clue.

Ugh, he still couldn’t look at her eyes without feeling like she knew everything he had done with Philip. They hadn’t done anything _wrong_ , Lukas understood that know, but it was still hard. 

His stomach hurt, but not the fuzzy way Philip caused. It really hurt him, he was so nervous thinking about his first day at school as an openly gay boy. And with a boyfriend. 

“It was nice” Philip said, was he trying to hide a smirk? Lukas was almost sure that he was. That made him feel slightly better. He was doing all of this because it was worth it. Philip was worth it. 

“Good, that’s good. Lukas did you call Bo to let him know you are okay?”

“Yeah, I texted him last night. It’s okay”

Helen was scary. And for some reason he was positive Philip found it really funny how intimidated he was when he stared at her. 

“Do you need a ride to school?”

“No, Mrs. Torrance. I have my bike outside”

“Mhm” she drank from her cup of coffee and gave Philip a long look. 

Lukas could almost swear he was a tiny bit intimidated too.   
They finished breakfast as fast as they could, giving each other looks from time to time. He wanted to smile but felt really stupid doing it while just looking at his plate of food. Once they were done they got the hell out of that house. 

He liked going to Philip’s, he really did. Helen and Gabe were a nice couple, they clearly loved each other and were extremely protective of Philip now that they knew exactly what had happened and how much Lukas had lied. Well, how much both had lied. But they were still cool.   
They didn’t flinch or look away when they were physical with the other. It’s not like they had started making out in front of them, but after that FBI murderer was dead, they were both in pretty bad shape. They still were. But at the time it felt like the end of the world. Nightmares every night, the feeling of being chased…   
So they would spend hours just cuddling on their couch, or in Philip’s bedroom if they wanted to really make out. 

It had been so gradual he didn’t even notice when he kissed Philip in front of Gabe. He just did it. Lukas will never forget the face Philip gave him, all eyes and a half smile tugging at his lips. 

Being at his home was a whole other story. His father knew and Lukas knew Bo loved him. And that was it. His dad was trying, he really was. But sometimes he made a comment or asked a question that made Lukas feel the need to run the hell away and go back to being straight. Just say that it had all been a long joke and…

“Lukas? We are almost there”

He had stopped the bike on the spot where he used to drop Philip before showing himself to his friends. Not today. He breathed deep and drove to the front of the school, trying not to freak out.

“Hey, Lukas!”

He jumped, but it was just Rose. Oh thank God. He smiled at her, he was going to give her the biggest Christmas present ever, really. He had no idea how she didn’t hate him forever. Maybe it was the whole business of him being shot and almost dead. 

“Hey, did you got home okay after the party?”

“Yeah, Sam gave me a ride home. You two okay?” She looked at Philip and they both seemed to communicate without saying a single word. 

Okay. That was weird. 

“Did you study for the test?”

“What test?” they both said at the same time. Shit. Their math teacher was a real pain in the ass and he had completely forgotten he had to study. Probably because having Philip’s tongue inside his mouth was ten times better than reading about math. 

Fuck math. 

“I’m so fucked. I am not getting a decent sponsor if I don’t get good grades”

Rose gave him a look but didn’t say anything. Yes, he knew what everyone was thinking. But he couldn’t even bear the idea that he had to leave motocross just because he was… No. He was not going to give up motocross, it made no sense. Everything was going to be okay.

“Hey Lukas! You sucking dick now?!”

Nothing was okay. He felt that like a punch in the stomach and he wanted to run the fuck away. 

“Fuck off” Philip growled at the guy, they didn’t even know him. Rose was also trying to defend him, but he wasn’t paying attention anymore. He wasn’t even looking at the guy. The guy could be miles away and he wouldn’t know. 

God he wanted to go home. Why the fuck did he think kissing Philip at that party was a good idea?

He remembered it perfectly. He had made him laugh, which was unusual since Philip’s mom was worse. After the murderer –that fucker- almost killed her, she had been… bad. He didn’t blame her, and he knew Philip did not blame her either. But it was hard for him to see her like that when she was doing so well before.

And they had gone to the party, it was a normal one in a house with loud music, booze and all of their classmates. He didn’t kiss Philip right away. What’s the fun in that? He teased him, biting his lips, looking at Philip’s, drinking his beer acting extremely chill.

He spent the whole night next to him, and Rose from time to time when she left her friends. 

*

_It had been a beautiful night. It was already late and he could see Philip starting to believe he was not going to kiss him. He smirked and pulled him closer to dance. Philip was a really good dancer, and that had kind of surprised him. Maybe he should have gone inside that gay club with him. Maybe they should go again. Actually go this time._

_“Are you having fun?”_

_“Why? Is this a date?” He smirked, the little shit._

_“Nah. You’ll know when it’s a date” Lukas looked at his lips again, oh god he really wanted to kiss him. He had thought about this. It was a good idea, a great idea. It was perfect. Right there._

_He pulled him closer and felt Philip’s hands on his neck. Yes._

_Lukas gave him a small look before closing the gap between them and kissing him on the lips. In front of everyone._

_No one screamed, and of course there were no applause. He was not expecting it, and he was kinda happy that nobody threw anything at them. But at the same time he felt as if everyone had quieted down. Although that could be his mind lost inside Philip’s lips. And that used to happen a lot._

_He felt like the king of the whole world and when they parted he saw Philip’s face light up in a way he hadn’t seen before. God, this boy._

_“Not a bad kiss”_

_“Not bad?” Philip smiled and pulled him in again, and now they were really kissing. He was sure someone was going to find it obscene, and they weren’t even using tongue. Lukas heard some whistling and felt rather uncomfortable for a moment, but Philip –almost as if he knew- pressed himself closer to him and bit down hard on his lip._

_This. Boy._

_It had been the best idea he had ever had._

*

It had been the worst idea he had ever had. He was sure of it. He was completely sure. Philip and Rose were trying to talk to him and just lighten up the situation but he wasn’t having it. 

“Lukas…” He felt Philip’s hand on his lower back and resisted the urge to move away. What if someone was looking…? He closed his eyes. That was stupid, everyone knew. He had even changed his Facebook status. They had pictures on instagram. Philip was his boyfriend.

“I’m fine. That was just one guy, I am fine” He smiled, almost fooling himself and grabbed Philip by the shoulders. 

*

“So you dating the foster kid?” one of his friends asked, bluntly. Well, at least he wasn’t making a big deal about the “foster kid” being a dude.   
Lukas looked up at him. Aaron. 

“Yeah”

“You are gay?”

“Yeah”

“Really?”

Lukas wanted to punch him, there were other people trying to listen to them too.

“Yeah” he said, lowering his voice a bit, suddenly ashamed. 

“So Rose is free?”

Oh

“Yup. What? you wanna date her?”

Aaron smiled and sat next to him. Lukas felt so relieved suddenly, and he also wanted to hug his friend but that would be weird so he didn’t.

“Yeah, she was wasting time with you.”

He arched an eyebrow. Hm

“You don’t look that surprised about…“ He pointed at himself and 

Aaron gave him a look.

“Well, I am not stupid. You and Philip had something going on. It could have been the whole murder shit. But I don’t know man. It seemed weird.”

Weird.

Great.

That was so nice to hear.

“Oh. Yeah… I guess” What else was he supposed to say? That what he had with Philip was not weird? Aaron was his friend and he hadn’t let him down. He wasn’t going to just… 

God, he was panicking again. 

Fuck.

*  
“Helen came to pick me up” He looked at Lukas, who was really distracted. Philip was almost sure nothing too horrible had happened to them, but it was probably hard for someone with so much internalized hate. “Lukas” 

Alright, maybe he was getting a little bit irritated. He hadn’t asked Lukas to come out, but he had and now they had to deal with it. There was no more running away. He didn’t want to be a coward either. And yes, that town was horrible, and yes it didn’t feel as comfortable as the city.   
But he liked Lukas, he was proud of their relationship as complicated as it was.   
He wanted Lukas to be proud too. 

“Yeah, I heard you” Lukas looked at him. “Talk to you later?”

“Sure” Philip nodded and moved closer to kiss him on the lips but… Lukas moved away and put on his helmet, starting his bike without looking at him again.

It felt like they weren’t moving forward at all. He didn’t like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been trying to research how "bad" it is to be gay and into motocross but I haven't found ANYTHING. So if anyone knows please tell me?   
> I do not live in a rural area, but my city is REALLY small. Like you wouldn't imagine how small. Some of the problems they'll face will probably be based on some of my personal experiences.   
> (If anyone has some info about lgbt+ youth in rural areas in the US please send it my way. I really like researching stuff when I write)
> 
> Anyway! Hope you liked it :) I wanted to upload yesterday but windows 10 was being a pain in the ass with its updates or whatever


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :)

Lukas tried to move through the kitchen making as little sound as possible. It wasn't like his father to just hit him or anything, but he was still scared. 

"Lukas, please sit down"

He tried to take a deep breath, holding onto his glass of water for dear life. Alright, it wasn't anything bad. His dad surely wanted to talk or just ask him how he was. He had spent the night at Philip's so they hadn't seen each other. Yeah, it was surely that.

His father put down the newspaper and looked straight at him.

"So, how's Philip?"

"Uh, Good. He's okay"

"Hm"

There was a long pause. God he wanted to run the fuck away from that table. Maybe bury himself under a bunch of hay or something. 

"Look, son, I know Helen runs a tight ship but I am not stupid"

Lukas had no idea where that was going. 

"She's.. nice" he tried. He always felt stupid next to his father. He always felt as if he was saying the wrong thing. Never the right one. Never something that would make his dad proud. 

"I know you and Philip are dating. And I know you are a teenager." Bo looked as uncomfortable as he was. Oh no. Oh, shit.

He did NOT needed a talk of ANY kind with his father and he had been so sure that he wouldn't get one. 

No. 

No. 

Run.

"You know, those city kids... you need to use protection"

What?

Lukas looked at him. 

"Yeah... of course" He still felt weird at that. Why was Philip the problem? "What does that mean?"

"Well, that boy comes from the city. And he clearly was... more liberal with his lifestyle"

"What? No. Dad..." He got up, suddenly really angry at him. He couldn't even start to pinpoint what made him so angry. The fact that apparently Philip was still a problem between them, the "lifestyle" comment or just the general tone of his father's voice. 

"Son" That was the warning tone. The one that said: _"calm down now, or else"._

"No, dad. He's got nothing. And what if he did? It doesn't matter!"

"I don't want you getting anything just cause this kid..." 

Lukas tried not to be angry at him. HE REALLY tried. 

"You have no idea what you are talking about" he growled at him and ran upstairs. He really didn't want to continue with that talk. It was stupid and his father was being ignorant and just... stupid! 

He slammed his bedroom's door and sat down on the bed. He frowned, still angry, still feeling the need to punch something. 

And then he realized. That was, probably, the first time he had stood up to his father.

*

"Hey" 

God he loved Philip's voice, even through the phone. 

"Hey, what's up?"

"Trying to do my homework. Why?" He had no idea how to talk to him about what he felt at the moment. But Philip always seemed to understand what he was trying to say.

"Was it this bad?"

"...what?"

"When you lived in the city, was it as bad as it's here?"

"No. It's different. Why? thinking about moving to the city with me?" He could hear the smile on his voice.

"Maybe" he smiled "No, I was just thinking that... Has anyone been horrible to you here?"

"Besides you?"

Ouch.

"Yeah. Sorry 'bout that..."

Philip chuckled. Asshole

"You are making amends. It's okay, Lukas. I was kidding." He heard a small sigh. "I get some dirty looks and some comments. You know, people calling me a fag and stuff. It's fine. I don't care."

Lukas felt like maybe, just maybe, Philip cared more than he was willing to admit. Maybe Philip felt like he had to be strong and chill for him too. And he really loved how chill Philip was, but at the same time... he wanted to be there for him. To care for him.

"If it happens again, tell me"

"Why? Are you going to fight them for me?"

"Yes."

The line went silent for a little while and Lukas felt really stupid. Was that bad? Saying that he would punch a guy for him? Shit. Philip was probably all pro-peace and anti violence and shit. Fuck.

"Meet me at the barn?"

Lukas' heart jumped inside his chest.

"Yeah. See you there"

"See you, _boo_ "

"Shut up"

Philip laughed and hung up. 

*

"Mh" Philip whined when Lukas bit his lip. "did you mean it?" he asked, feeling Lukas' weight over his own body. They were at the barn, and he had lost no time. He needed to kiss him. 

After the day they had had at school, he didn't expect Lukas to call him, and when he did he almost expected to hear Lukas mid crisis or something. Not that.

Lukas wanted to punch people who hurt him. That was... It made him feel silly and hot all at once. 

"What?" Lukas looked at him, his eyes dark and focused on something else. Probably in the erection he felt against his thighs. 

"That you would punch someone who hurt me"

Lukas looked all over his face, keeping his eyes on his lips for a couple of moments. "Yeah" he whispered before leaning in and kissing him again.

He loved kissing Lukas. The way he would use his tongue, making him get goosebumps all over his skin. He moaned softly when Lukas started kissing his neck, all tongue and teeth. _God, yes._

He almost hoped for marks, almost hoped he wouldn't at the same time. Philip pulled Lukas' shirt off his body and moved closer, putting his hands on his hips, kissing all over his pale chest. He could feel Lukas' breathing become more and more erratic, his soft moans when he used his teeth. 

He moved his hands down Lukas' pants, starting to pull down the zipper. 

"Do you have... the stuff?"

Philip looked up at that. Shit. He hadn't grabbed the lube and yeah, no, he wasn't going to do it just like that. 

"We can still do other stuff" he smiled and Lukas grabbed his face, pulling him closer for another kiss.

Lukas took off his t-shirt and he lay back down on the hay and yes, it hurt. But at the same time it was making him more turned on. The idea of Lukas fucking him right there, and his back becoming all red from the friction with the hay...

Fuck, he should have grabbed the lube.

"Come here" He pulled Lukas in for another kiss, scratching at his chest like a cat and feeling Lukas pull at his jeans. "take 'em off, take..." he mumbled and moved to help him. 

Once his pants were out of the picture, Lukas pressed himself against him, touching his sides, his hands sliding towards his ass making him move his hips up and oh... _oh_. 

He moaned at the friction, kissing him.

"I want you to fuck me so bad" 

Philip had to bit his lip not to cry out when Lukas moved hard against him, making him move a bit over the hay. God, it felt so good. 

"Yes, Lukas, just like that" he arched his back, tugging at Lukas to have him closer. 

Philip moved one of his hands between them, and inside Lukas' pants to take his erection and stroke it. He really, really loved his cock. It felt amazing in his hand, and mouth and...   
Lukas made this beautiful sound that was half a moan, half a gasp and it gave him life. It felt good. 

"Fuck" Lukas moaned, kissing all over his neck. Philip felt one of his hands grab at his dick over his underwear. 

"Please" he hissed, putting some pressure on his hand. 

"Please?" 

Lukas was grinning. Jesus. Was he actually learning how to sass him?

"Fuck, Lukas... Just touch me already" He licked his lips looking right at him, he knew that even if Lukas was on top and manhandling him, he was still in control. It felt good.   
So good.

And then Lukas slid his hand inside his boxers and oh.

"Lukas, yes... yes right there" He clutched his free hand on Lukas' back, digging his nails inside his skin and leaving red marks over the pale white skin. 

It wasn't long until they both came in each others' hands, shaking, their lips barely touching. They had made a huge mess.

And then Lukas giggled. Philip looked at him and smiled, he loved that silly giggle and the way his face looked so open and honest and calm... Perfect.

"You know?" Lukas spoke while they were still at the barn, just cuddling and sharing small kisses from time to time. "I think we should go to the city again"

Philip smiled at that and nodded, eyes closed. "This weekend?"

"Sweet"


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas! Enjoy :)
> 
> Warning: there are mentions and a description of a panic attack in this chapter.

Chapter 4.

**From: Philip  
Helen gave me a ride to school see u there**

**To: Philip  
k im running late**

Lukas walked towards the door looking at his phone screen, he knew where everything was so he didn't have to actually look around. Besides, he had no intentions of seeing or talking to his father. If he was lucky, his dad would probably be working outside or something. 

He wasn't lucky. Fuck.

"Lukas, come here a moment"

Shit. He really didn't have a choice. He breathed slowly and moved towards his father, looking up from his phone.

"You should invite Philip over. For dinner"

Alright. That was weird, but it made him feel nice. 

"Dinner? With us?" 

"Yes. Helen and Gabe are welcome too if it makes him feel more comfortable" 

"I'll ask" Lukas mumbled, trying to get a grip. It made no sense after the talk they had had last night. 

Well, his dad was trying. He really was. It made him feel happy. Real happy. 

"See you, dad" He smiled earnestly and walked out of the house. Shit, he was really late to school. 

His phone buzzed again. 

**From: Philip  
Don't come inside the school. I'll meet you outside**

**To: Philip  
R u ok?**

Nothing.

**To: Philip  
Im on my way**

Lukas felt something tug at his heart. What if something was wrong? Well, something was obviously wrong, but what if Philip was hurt? Oh god. He felt his heart race. He had heard about those school shootings from the city but he never thought... No, it wasn't that. It couldn't be that.

Philip was okay.

He closed his eyes, even while driving, trying not to hear the deafening gunshots inside his head. The bodies lying on the floor, the blood... 

No. Not Philip.

Not him.

It took him more time that he had hoped to get to the school, his breathing was heavy and his hands were sweaty. What if -maybe- the killer wasn't dead? What if... 

His phone buzzed.

**From Philip:  
I see you. Wait there**

Lukas looked around desperately until he found his boy. Oh, thank God. His heart slowed down. Now that he was better, the school seemed... the same as always. People were talking and laughing and everything was okay.

Thank God. 

"Lukas" 

He hugged Philip right away, really tight. He had scared him so much, Lukas couldn't lose him too. 

"Hey, hey it's okay" Philip looked at him, with guilt in his eyes "Did I scare you?" 

"Of course you did. What was that of not going inside the school? You okay?" 

"Yeah, yeah I'm okay. I just didn't want you to see something alone. Maybe it's better if we go somewhere else for the day"

Lukas stomach turned.

"See what?" 

"Someone... fucked with your locker" Philip didn't look at him. Was he feeling guilty because of...that? Lukas tried to understand what was going on just by looking at him. 

"Fucked with my locker?" 

Philip bit his lip, hard. "Yeah" 

Alright. Okay. It was fine. It was fine. Lukas took a deep breath and looked at Philip who was... He frowned. He didn't want to see him so sad. 

"It's okay. Let's go inside" He took Philip's hand, getting a really surprised look from the boy. Oh yeah, he was full of surprises and wanted to give every single one of them to Philip.

"No, really Lukas. We should go" 

Weird. He wasn't that type of guy. Or was it? Lukas had never been out with him before. Something was weird but he had no idea what.

"No. It's okay. Really. I'm gonna have to go in some day, dude" 

Lukas walked towards the school, pulling Philip with him. He thought he heard a sigh from the brunette. 

"What a _waste_ " a couple of girls muttered looking over at them by the school door, trying to be quiet but Lukas could hear them. Waste? It fucked with his brain. Was that supposed to be a compliment? Should he be offended? What were they just...? He didn't understand. 

Philip chuckled at that, and made him smirk in return. 

He went down the hallway trying to keep his cool. He had survived a crazy murderer, he could totally survive a trashed locker. 

But his locker wasn't vandalized. He looked over at Philip who was avoiding his look and biting on his lip for dear life.

Oh.

Lukas let go of his hand and turned, walking through the hallway towards another set of lockers. Shit. Shit. Shit. 

He could hear Philip hurrying behind him and maybe saying something like "Lukas, wait, it's okay" but he was speaking so softly Lukas wasn't sure.

Of course. 

It was Philip's locker. It was... Oh. 

Lukas clenched his fists and didn't look away from the big graffiti that read " _FAG_ " in big bold red letters. 

"Who did this?" He growled looking around, the people that were there were giggling and whispering while looking back and forth. They probably hadn't done it but they weren't doing anything nice either. "WHO did this?!" he had no idea why or how he was losing his temper so much, but inside his head the only thing he could see was Philip's eyes looking away from him, the way he was biting his lip. The guilt in his whole body. 

"Lukas, it's fine. Let's just go..." 

"No, it's not fine." He growled at him, but regretted it immediately. "I'm gonna kill whoever did this"

"Please, Lukas" Philip grabbed his arm with both hands and gave him a look that would have brought any man -or woman- to a halt. "Let's go." 

And then it hit him. Philip was the one that wanted to go away from school, from whatever had happened. And the only way he thought Lukas would listen to him was if something bad had happened to him.  
Oh.   
And Lukas hadn't heard. Oh shit.

"Yeah, okay" he agreed, taking his hand and walking with him towards the door once again. They were going to get in trouble, but he wanted to feel Philip relax next to him and he didn't care if he had detention for a week or whatever. 

*

They sat next to each other without saying a word, in front of the lake. Lukas knew Philip didn't swim and he wasn't about to force him or teach him after what had just happened. 

"Do you know who did it?" 

Philip shrugged, his face blank and almost unreadable. He had learned to see through that. Sadly, most of Philip's past remained a mystery to him. 

"It's okay"

"You don't have to say that to me, Philip" He looked at the brunette, trying to be there for him. To be the strong one for once.   
Philip was avoiding his look like the plague. Why? 

"It's really nothing, just some homophobe in this fucking town" Philip grabbed a rock and threw it. It didn't go very far, barely going inside the water.

"Man, you really need to practice your swings." 

"Shut it" 

"Make me" 

Lukas saw a small smile trying to emerge from his boy. 

"Had this happened? before?" He placed an arm across Philip's back, pulling him softly against his chest. The brunette didn't fight back and curled up against him.

"No. No one cares in the city. You can just..." he shrugged again "Just blend in with the crowd" 

Lukas could not picture Philip "blending in" or just going unnoticed. The first time he saw him he was intrigued. Yeah, maybe because it was the "new kid" in town, but he just had something special. 

And he was cute.

"Helen can talk to the principal. I'm sure he will care if she gives him the scare of his life" That got Philip laughing. Good. "You know, that look she gives me when she is like 'if you hurt my kid you are going down'" 

"She doesn't give you that look" Philip looked up at him, his face all smile and sunshine. Yes.

"She does!" 

"Uh-uh" 

"Come here" He pulled him closer, kissing him softly on the lips. Philip grabbed onto his arms and pressed against him looking for a hug. They remained close to one another, hugging and just breathing in and out. Lukas felt how soft and vulnerable this boy was. "It's okay. You don't have to pretend to be okay to keep me calm" he whispered, feeling Philip's sad laugh. He didn't like that one. It felt as if his boyfriend was about to cry but was keeping it down. 

"It's stupid. After everything that has happened. This is nothing" 

"It's something" Lukas whispered bringing him closer and kissing his hair. They were all alone out there. He felt so powerful.

"I wish I hadn't-..."

Ouch. Lukas tried not to feel it. Tried not to think about it.

"I'm glad you did" He said, sofly. Philip wasn't going to finish that sentence but he knew what it was. He wished he had never moved to Tivoli. 

"What?"

"Moved here. I'm glad you did. Even if... everything that happened." 

Philip arched an eyebrow and gave him a long look. 

"Oh my God, you are an idiot. Aren't you?"

Lukas had no fucking clue what he was saying.

"I was going to say that I wish I hadn't freaked out. I don't regret coming here." Oh. Oh. 

"Really?"

Philip remained quiet for a couple seconds and then nodded "Yeah, really" 

*

 

**To: Philip  
Are you coming over for dinner?**

**From: Philip  
Yeah. Only me. Gabe and Helen have a thing. **

**To: Philip  
Cool. I can drive you home later**

**From: Philip  
or I could stay**

 

Lukas bit his lip, he definitely wanted Philip to stay but he did not want his father thinking about them together under his roof. Even if they just shared a bed, he was sure his father was going to make a big deal about it the next morning.

"Philip's coming over. Helen and Gabe are going out or something like that" 

Bo looked at him and nodded, he had bought salad but was actually making a barbecue outside. He didn't remember his dad doing that before. Well, he used to. When his mother was alive. 

"I bought ice-cream" His dad stopped and looked at him.

"Your mother always did that when we were having people over" 

"Yeah, I know." 

They shared a small smile. It felt genuine. 

He couldn't think about how his father must feel about his mom. He always thought he only wanted to forget her, but maybe he didn't. Maybe he was just heartbroken.   
After what had happened... He remembered waking up screaming because in his nightmare, the killer was shooting Philip. He could feel the desperation in his bones and muscles at the thought of Philip getting hurt. And he had felt it again that morning. He could not imagine losing that one important person. And then having your only son turn out to be gay. 

Great. Now he was feeling guilty and shitty. 

Great.

He heard a car pull over, he didn't have to look to know it was Helen's. He had hoped Gabe would bring Philip over, because he was nicer and less menacing. But oh well. 

"Hey" He walked up to them. The sheriff looked at him, wearing her uniform. Scary.

"Hello, Lukas. Is Bo inside?"

"Yeah, he's out back. You can go talk to him if you want" He knew he had to look at Helen, but he was looking over and over to Philip. 

God. He was staring, again. And Philip had noticed, of course. 

"Are you going to say hello to me?" 

Lukas chuckled and pulled him in for a small peck on the lips and a hug. It felt so liberating to do that. To just... say hello with a kiss. To be able to do it. 

"Hope you like meat, dad's making this sick barbecue." 

"Of course I like meat" That tone. And that look. Little shit. Lukas smirked and pushed him.

"Shut up" 

Philip laughed, the incident at school far, far away from them. They walked inside the house, and said goodbye to Helen. She probably only wanted to speak to Bo to make sure Philip got home safe. Or maybe they were talking about how the boys had detention for a couple of days for not going to their classes that day. Whatever that was, it didn't make Lukas nervous at all. He could feel Philip right next to him and he was sure the boy was much more nervous than him. So he was going to make it work. Somehow. His mom would have wanted that. 

"Hello" Philip muttered, looking at Bo. 

"Hello, Philip. Want something to drink?" Alright, he was friendly. That was good. 

Philip agreed and they both sat close to the fire with two sodas. He would have grabbed a beer, but his dad probably didn't want to see the "city kid" drinking. 

"Have you been to many barbecues before?" 

Oh, c'mon. Lukas looked at his dad like "really?". Because who hadn't been to barbecues before...?

"Not really" Wait. What?

Lukas looked at him "really?" 

"Yeah. No, I mean." He seemed to think his words carefully "Mom was busy." Lukas saw him swallow. 

"We are going to feed you, then. Properly" Bo said placing the meat over the fire.

Lukas really, really wanted to hug his dad. 

"Dude, have you seen this?" He moved closer to Philip, showing him a couple of videos on his phone. They quickly relaxed and went inside the small bubble they had were everything was nice and they could understand each other.   
Lukas knew Philip wasn't into motocross, not really. But he was so supportive and he totally understood what Lukas was telling him. Sometimes he wondered if Philip had googled motocross the same way he had googled photography and cameras. 

He suspected he had. 

*

They were all inside when things got awkward. The table was filled with food, and they were sitting side by side, his dad in front of them. He wasn't going to leave Philip's side. Damn, the food was so good they hadn't really talked much at first, just focused on their plates. Philip had said everything was really good though, and Bo said something about him being welcome anytime.   
Lukas wasn't sure exactly what words came out, because he was just so excited about everything that was going on. 

Still, he knew it wasn't going to be a smooth ride.

"So, Philip, I heard you are into photography. The videos you have taken of Lukas are good" 

"Thank you"

"Are you thinking about following it as a career?" 

Lukas looked at him too. 

"I-I really hadn't thought about it." Philip looked down at his plate, moving food from one side to the other. 

"That would be really cool, though" Lukas chimed in, pressing his knee against Philip's, trying to make him relax a bit. "You could totally be a sports photographer" 

Philip gave him a look. "You just want me to take pictures of you and your bike" 

Bo chuckled. He actually chuckled. Lukas could not believe it. Alright, he was dreaming or maybe aliens or something. Right? Right. 

"Shut up" 

"Lukas"

"Sorry, dad" 

Lukas smiled to him anyway, because he was feeling so good. So proud, so free, so happy.   
But then Bo gave them the look. Oh no, what was he going to say?

"Helen told me you weren't in class today"

"No, we... there was a problem" He tried, testing the waters.

"I know what happened to your locker, Philip" He looked directly at the boy. 

Well, shit.

Philip looked back up at him. "Yeah. It sucks" He deadpanned. 

"It does." Wow. "Now, son, if anyone does that again you go straight to the principal. You hear me?" 

"Uh, yeah. Yes, sir" Philip clearly didn't know where to go or what to do or what to say. 

Lukas didn't know what to do either, if he was being honest. 

"I don't want more secrets in this family. What you boys lived is enough for a lifetime." 

Noise. 

Gunshots.

He closed his eyes trying not to think. Trying to count to ten how his psychologist told him to. 

It was going to be okay. 

"Lukas" He opened his eyes, Philip was grabbing him softly, looking at him with those beautiful eyes. He smiled barely, his heart racing in his chest and his hands sweating. 

"Sorry" 

Philip looked at his dad and said something to him. Lukas had no idea what they were talking it all sounded far away, but after a couple seconds -minutes?- he was being dragged to his room. Philip right next to him. 

He was still shaking when the brunette placed him on the bed. 

"It's okay, Lukas. You are safe" 

"I'm going to die" he gasped, feeling his heart going fast and loud and strong against his ribs. 

"No, you are not. You are with me" 

Philip sat next to him, placing a hand on his chest. The hand felt heavy.

"I can't breathe" He looked at him, scared. He was going to die. 

Die, die, die. Like the men at the cabin, like Tommy and Tracy, like that girl, like the killer. He was going to die because his heart couldn't stop moving, because the air wasn't getting to his lungs. Die. Die. Die.  
He was going to die because of what he had done. Because they hadn't talked sooner.  
He closed his eyes and felt Philip hug him softly.   
Lukas was so sorry, he didn't want to leave Philip alone but he was dying. He was sure he was dying, everything inside his mind and body was telling him he was going to die.

Die. Die. Die.

Dead.

Buried.

And then it stopped. It just... stopped. Leaving him uneasy and feeling stupid.

Lukas had no idea how much time had passed, the panic attacks were more rare since he had started therapy but... they were still bad.

"Sorry"

"'s okay" Philip kissed his shoulder and moved a hand through his hair "You feeling better?"

"Yeah. I was being stupid... It was just a panic attack" 

"They feel like death, it's okay Lukas"

"I ruined dinner" 

Philip smiled "No, dinner was okay"

"really?" He whispered.

"Yeah. Your dad is coming around, huh?" 

"Yeah" Lukas smiled at that, tugging at Philip to make him rest on the bed right next to him.

They held hands looking up to the ceiling. 

"I bought ice-cream" 

"Alright you did ruin dinner" Lukas chuckled and punched him softly on the arm. "Your dad said I could stay. And to let him know when you got better" 

Lukas nodded, unable to say anything. He felt spent. Tired. It had been a long day.

"Want me to bring some ice cream?" He looked at Philip who was standing up and walking to the door. He probably was going to tell Bo his son was okay. God, he loved this boy so much. 

Lukas nodded, he really felt he couldn't say a single word. But he didn't need words with Philip.

And he also knew that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it, I really liked how this one turned out. It's a little bit longer, I think most chapters are going to be from now on. But no promises, I'm updating as I go!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

Hm. He opened his eyes but the room was too dark for him to see anything. He remembered Philip coming back with ice cream and both of them eating and just spending time together. 

They had shared some kisses, but nothing too over the top. Lukas was still scared his dad would barge in on them or something. He didn't want to fuck up the progress they were making. 

Because it was progress, right? It had to be. 

Shit. He had fallen asleep completely dressed and over the covers. He wondered if they had thrown the bowls to the floor or something. Lukas really hoped not, because he didn't want to clean up broken glass.  
A small shift, a little huff. Philip moved closer to him, eyes closed. And oh so soft. So soft.

Lukas barely moved, feeling the other boy's hands completely relaxed and resting against him. 

It felt so good.

He allowed himself to daydream. He looked at Philip and thought about them waking up together, always. Every single day. Their first Christmas, their first house. Would they get married? He hadn't thought about it before. He always assumed he was _going to_ because he _had to_. But now, it was all so new and open and filled with possibilities. 

He was thinking way too far ahead. Philip could... leave him and just go back to the city for all he knew. 

Lukas sighed and moved towards him, kissing his forehead and then his nose. He repressed a small laugh when Philip made a face at that. He was so beautiful. 

If Philip was going to wake up he hoped it was to the feeling of being this loved. Because he did love him. A lot. It was hard to say it, and he doubted Philip would believe him. But he would do anything to prove it. Anything.

He moved close again, kissing his cheek, his nose, his lips...

There was a small knock on his door. Shit. Did he leave it open?

"Uhm. You should get ready for school" Bo looked really, really uncomfortable and was keeping his eyes away from the boys.

Great.

Lukas nodded but didn't move away from Philip, that would wake him and he didn't want to be so rough. 

"Yeah. Okay" 

They stared at each other until his father left.

"Phillip" he whispered, moving him slowly. The brunette looked at him right away. Since when was he awake? Lukas smiled. "Hey there" 

"Hey" 

If Lukas could find words to describe Philip in that moment, he would say the boy looked like a star brought to life. It was his little piece of heaven. The most brilliant piece of the whole universe, right there with him. The shiniest, most precious thing he would ever get his hands on. It was so bright it almost hurt.

"We're already late" 

Philip groaned and moved away after giving him a small kiss on the lips.  
Yeah, he loved this boy. 

*  
Alright. Helen was a complete badass. She had been waiting for them at the school, apparently, so they could go and talk to the principal.  
That was part of what she had discussed with Bo the night before. Lukas saw that Philip was really uncomfortable, trying to convince Helen that it didn't matter, that it was totally okay and he was unaffected by what had happened to his locker. 

Lukas knew that was a lie, and he also knew Helen wasn't someone who gave up on something. 

It hadn't even been two minutes since both of them sat down in the principal's office, and Helen was lecturing the old man in a way he had never seen anyone do.

He was so mesmerized by the whole ordeal, he almost didn't notice Philip chewing at his lip, looking down at the floor with a blank expression.

He knew that one. It was the one where Philip was physically there, but his mind was somewhere else. It always broke Lukas' heart to see him like that. He imagined little Philip doing that at home, or maybe with social services, or maybe at his old school when someone bothered him about his mom.

He wanted to reach out and touch him, hug him. He wanted to see him like he had inside his bedroom. 

"Lukas? Lukas?" 

Philip was looking at him, but he wasn't the one talking. He looked at the principal, shit. What was the question? He looked at Helen for a moment and then back at the old guy. Fuck.

"Is it true you left because you felt threatened about what had happened?" 

Okay, so that was a tricky question. If he said yes, that would spread through the school and it would put a bigger target on their backs. If he didn't say so, the principal was probably going to stop helping -assuming he would help-. 

"We left because we were angry" 

The principal looked shocked at that, and not at all pleased. Fuck him, really. As if he didn't know what had happened. As if he couldn't have protected Philip better. After all, when they fought they didn't even get detention.  
Asshole.

Helen looked almost proud. So he had done something good.

"I will only give them two hours of detention today because we can't have you leaving school whenever you want. And I promise, Sheriff that we will investigate this. It won't happen again. Philip has been moved to another locker already" 

"Good" Helen looked at the boys and let them know they could leave the office.

Philip fell behind, and he was almost sure it was because he wanted to speak to Helen without him hearing. He did, though. 

"You didn't have to," Philip said, his voice low.

"Of course I had to, Philip." 

"No one has ever done that before" 

Lukas' heart broke a little at that. Helen was hugging Philip now, he didn't disturb them. 

*

They sat with Rose and Aaron for lunch, his other friends seemed to want to keep their distance. Lukas wasn't that hurt. They never knew him, not the _real_ him and it wasn't like he had talked to them about stuff. Ever.

"You should come," Philip said, and Lukas frowned a bit. It was cool that he was inviting them to the city but he thought they were going to go alone, to that bar?

"That would be great" Rose smiled and Lukas really couldn't be angry at her. Damn, he had been such an asshole. 

Aaron didn't seem to mind, he was cool with the whole trip. "We can take my dad's car. He lets me borrow it" 

"Cool"

"You have a race coming up, right Lukas?" 

He started chatting with them, Philip was silent looking at some of the pictures he had taken on his new camera. It was a present from Helen and Gabe, apparently, it was pretty expensive. He had never seen Philip treat something with so much care, almost as if he didn't deserve something so nice. 

Bullshit. He deserved everything. 

And with that thought in mind, Lukas placed his arm across Philip's back. It was something small, but something he would totally do with any partner, male or female. So it was okay, right?

Philip looked up at him and smiled for a moment before focusing on his camera again. 

"So, talk to you later about the trip?" Rose asked when they were about to finish their food.

"Yeah, sure. I still have to ask my dad" Lukas made a face "I'm sure he will be okay with it." Hopefully. 

"Not if you keep getting detention, dude" He rolled his eyes at Aaron, although he had a point. 

He was getting up when something hit the back of his head. He looked down, someone had thrown an empty -thank god- water bottle at him. Really? Lukas felt furious and looked around. People laughed because that was the only thing they knew.

Before he could do anything, Philip was standing up and grabbing his arm. He knew he wanted to avoid a fight, but Lukas knew who had thrown it, he could see him laughing with his friends harder than the rest. It was so obvious. So fucking annoying.

"You think this is fun?" He moved towards them ignoring how Philip was looking at him.

"Oh, you’re talking to me?" 

That fucker.

"Yeah I'm talking to you, asshole!" 

People were starting to gather around them, clearly waiting for the fight. 

And then. And. Then.

"Shit" Philip grabbed his cheek because one of the stupid guy's friends had thrown a little yogurt cup that wasn't empty. It probably hurt.

Lukas saw red. 

"Do you fucking think that was okay?" he said through his teeth moving towards that other asshole. He didn't even care about the guy that had thrown the first stone, he cared about this asshole that had hurt Philip. Oh, he was so mad, he was going to break his face. 

He threw the first punch, hearing people scream. He wasn't sure of much after that. He was punching the guy, pushing him to the floor. He felt a couple of punches to his stomach, and ribs and face. Harder than anything he had felt before, but he wasn't about to give up if he did they were definitely going to make their lives a living hell. 

"Break it up! Break it up! NOW!"

Everyone scattered when the teacher pushed through, pulling at them. It was only then when he saw Philip's face red and his heavy breathing. He had been fighting the other guy; or someone. He could see a bruise on his chin. Fuck. 

At least the other guys were as bruised as they were. 

"To the principal's. NOW."

*

They hadn't talked much during the whole ordeal. Helen was the one to pick them up actually, and she was so badass again. She was pissed at them, of course, but she was also so angry at the principal and those kids.  
It felt kind of nice to know he hadn't been _that_ wrong. 

Philip had been staring him with a look he couldn't understand. He wasn't angry, but his gaze was so intense Lukas almost blushed.  
She drove them to her house until Bo got home and could pick him up. Apparently they weren't allowed to go anywhere until they decided how they were going to ground them. 

Amazing.

For a moment he even thought Helen was going to keep them in separate rooms, but she didn't seem that mad once they got inside the house.

He followed Philip upstairs, and once he closed the door, he had the brunette kissing at him and tugging at his shirt.

"Fuck, Lukas, that was so hot" 

Lukas whimpered looking down, a little bit confused. "It was?" 

"Fuck, yes" Philip kissed his neck, tracing lines all over his chest and abdomen, feeling his skin. 

Alright, Lukas could totally relax with this. He smirked and kissed Philip, tugging at his jeans.  
*  
“Do you ever feel ashamed?”

“After having sex?” Philip looked at him “is that what you are feeling?”

“No” he paused “Maybe. It was worst before. Before you came here, I mean”

Philip didn’t look angry at him so that was good. He had tried to find a way to talk to him about this because he really didn’t have anyone that understood. He didn’t know anyone that was gay like them, and even though he could talk to his therapist… yeah, no. Talking about sex - _gay_ sex- with a straight 35-year-old man felt weird. 

“I used to feel that way” Philip moved closer to him, lying on his side to look at him better “When I was figuring things out. I mean, it wasn’t _that_ bad.”

“I thought you hadn’t done it before”

“I hadn’t. I meant when I would touch myself thinking about boys”

Lukas' mouth went a little dry at the picture that had formed inside his head. 

“Have you thought about me?”

Philip laughed and… was that a blush? “Shut up”

“You have!”

“Lukas, we just had sex. Are you really that surprised?”

Good point. He was still smiling from ear to ear and looking at Philip like it was Christmas’ morning.  
Philip held his gaze for a while and then just moved forward, hiding his face against his chest. He groaned. 

“Jerk”

Lukas brought him closer and kissed his hair. God, that hair. It made him all fuzzy and weird inside. 

“So you are not mad?”

“Why would I be?” He felt Philip whispering against his skin, completely relaxed. “Are you ashamed of being _with_ me?”

“No!” Lukas moved away to look at him properly. Of course he wasn’t ashamed. He didn’t want Philip to think that. Ever. “It’s just… I feel guilty. After. Like I shouldn’t have… enjoyed it as much as I did”

“Because that’s what they want you to feel. You know, society and stuff”

“How come?”

“Like… I mean” Philip seemed so shy when he was trying to speak his mind. He wasn’t sure why, but he suspected it had something to do with the fact that he was so used to “blend in” and just try to be unnoticeable. “With a man and a woman, right? They all just feel comfortable. They are assigned their roles or whatever. Like my mom, she-…”

Lukas caressed his arm, letting him talk if he wanted to. It was okay if he didn’t want to share anything, though.

“Like my mom would sometimes… put herself in this position where… like... I know it was the drugs and stuff, but she would allow her boyfriends to make all the decisions and stuff.” He wasn’t looking at Lukas. “And you see it in the movies, right? How the man is always in charge. That doesn’t happen with us”

Lukas was kind of following him, kind of trying to imagine little Philip living with his mom and those boyfriends that she had had. Had any of them hurt Philip? Or his mom? He had met her once, and she seemed really nice. She had to be, right? If she had raised Philip she had to be. 

“So you are saying people don’t get it because they don’t know who’s in charge?” 

“No. Kind of. I don’t know”

“I think you do” Lukas nudged him softly. “Tell me”

“Like men look at us and feel their masculinity threatened.”

Lukas thought about it. When Philip took him to the city and he saw gay men together in real life he felt weird but it was more yearning and sadness than anything else. He supposed straight men would feel threatened? It didn’t make much sense to him, but it made sense when Philip was the one saying it.

“You are really smart”

“I google a lot.” 

“Shut up” Lukas smiled and kissed his forehead, pulling him closer. “does it stop?”

“The shame? Yeah. I don’t care anymore.” Philip rose one eyebrow “If you think I should feel ashamed because I let you fuck me I will have you know that that’s extremely ignorant and stupid.”

Lukas chuckled “I love that you let me fuck you” his tone was low and he practically said it to Philip’s ear. Because it was only for him to hear.

Philip smiled and pulled him down for a small kiss. 

"I guess the trip to the city is canceled now, hm?" 

Lukas nodded "My dad is going to ground me until next year"  


"We can always go to the city for new years" 

He smiled. Well, that was a thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE thank you to @Marber312 for being my beta. She's amazing, really.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy it, because angst is coming very very soon. :)

Philip heard his bedroom's door open but didn't move from the bed. Bo had picked up Lukas a while ago and he had been left with his brain going over what had happened, over and over again. What _was_ happening to them?  
He knew Gabe was the one inside his room and he really didn't want to be rude to him, but he didn't think he could say a single word. 

"Philip, how are you feeling?" He felt the mattress sink a bit, Gabe must've sat down next to him.

He closed his eyes and shrugged. He didn't know how he felt. Back home things weren't like this. He hadn't had any friends to come out to, and he hadn't told his mom because... well, why? He didn't want to worry her more and it wasn't such a big deal. He had gone to some bars and kissed some boys -some men too- and nobody seemed to care. 

Now that he was here in this small town, everyone was looking at him. 

He was a freak. The new kid. The City Kid. The Gay kid.

"We aren't angry at you" 

"It's okay" Philip looked at him, they were both suspended for a week and he thought that was bullshit. 

"This shouldn't be happening"

It wasn't the first time Gabe said that to him, and yeah, it shouldn't be happening. But thinking that hadn't made his mom better back in the city. A lot of things shouldn't happen, but they usually did. His life was never easy. 

"Is Lukas okay?" 

Gabe smiled at that and nodded "He actually seemed more worried about you when he left" 

Philip frowned, Lukas had so much internalized hate and had been so violently closeted that it was hard to believe he wasn't having a complete meltdown after what had happened. Well, they _did_ kiss at that party. 

"Philip" Helen looked over at them from the door, before moving inside and sitting on his other side. "What those boys did was not right. But you can't fight with them"

"They weren't going to stop. We didn't do anything before and things started escalating, we had to..." 

Helen sighed "Sometimes I want to punch some of the bad guys too. But we have to be better" 

"But... you just don't get it"

Helen looked a little surprised at that, maybe a little bit pissed. Philip felt bad, they were so nice and he only caused problems. The murders, the fucking murders. If he hadn't been there with Lukas, well, a lot of things wouldn't have happened the way they did.  
Gabe and Helen wanted a family and a kid, and they got... him. That was some bad luck. 

"Explain it to me, Philip"

He didn't look at her. It felt weird, having people pry into his life in that way. His mom was too... high to actually ask him this type of questions, and even though she cared, it was different. His mom was like a really good friend that made a lot of bad choices and didn't give the best advice. Philip was usually the one taking care of her, holding her hair while she puked, cleaning the house, making sure she was fed, letting her cry on his shoulder. 

"They already think we are weak. If we don't say or do anything, we are allowing them to keep coming at us" 

Gabe frowned at that and shared a look with Helen. 

"We could talk to the parents"

"They’re the same." Philip felt desperate, he didn't know why. He wanted to run away from them, but they were in his room, right there. 

"Philip..." Helen touched his hair softly, lovingly. Philip felt like something inside was being cut open, and his eyes started crying. God, he felt so stupid. He covered his face with one arm, trying to keep his face hidden from both of them.

He knew they were looking at each other, probably thinking what mess of a kid they had gotten. They didn't deserve this. They should send him back.

"Philip, we love you. And we are here for you" That was Gabe, Philip's heart ached at the thought of maybe... just maybe having a dad. He knew Gabe wasn't his real dad, but he had never had anything like that. It was nice. 

They hugged him and Philip didn't know what to do. "'m sorry" he whispered without uncovering his face. 

"No, no, we are. We should've done something when these things started happening." 

"I just want them to stop. I want it all to stop" He moved, hugging Gabe and allowing himself to be held. 

*

"Nah, I'm grounded," Lukas said with his laptop over his bed. He was having a skype call with Philip, Rose, and Aaron. He could see Philip's eyes were a bit red, and that made him worry so fucking much, but he wasn't going to ask him mid-skype call if he had been crying. He wasn't that stupid. 

"I heard one of those guys might get expelled"

"Really?" He smiled at Rose, those were awesome news if they were true.

"Yeah, he's the Gibson's kid you know? Apparently, he broke into the school during the summer and he was already on thin ice"

Philip didn't seem that into the conversation, although he had agreed to it so they could discuss the trip to the city that wasn't going to happen.

"Hey guys, I'll see you next week yeah? I think I should go to bed now" 

"Yeah, me too" he almost swore Philip was relieved. 

They said their goodbyes and he hadn't even shut down his laptop when his phone buzzed. 

**From: Philip  
Can I call u?**

**To: Philip  
U don't have to ask, dude**

"Hey, were Helen and Gabe tough on you?"

Silence.

"No. Not really." 

Lukas bit his lip and looked up, saying nothing. Maybe Philip wanted to just know he was there.

"I wasn't that... out back home"

"What do you mean?"

A sigh. Silence.

"I was okay with who I was, but I had no friends to tell anyway. And I hadn't told my mom. I just didn't think it was important" 

Lukas frowned at that.

"So this is like, your first time with a boyfriend that everyone knows?"

"Oh, you are famous now?"

He smiled "You know what I mean, asshole" 

"They don't make me feel bad about who I am. They just make me feel bad" 

Lukas didn't know the feeling. He only knew that horrible fear that grabbed his heart and pulled at it, making him feel a failure, a disgusting human being. He only knew how to feel bad about who he was because he was flawed, wrong, broken. 

"I don't want you to feel like that"

Silence.

"Philip?"

"'m here." More silence "Can you stay until I fall asleep?"

"Sure. Of course" 

*

“What do you think triggered your panic attack, Lukas?”

He shrugged, therapy was hard. He wasn’t sure how everyone did it. He always felt under the microscope and really uncomfortable. Philip said it was because he still didn’t trust his psychologist. Maybe he was right. He was usually right. 

“Dad was talking about keeping secrets”

“What do you think when someone brings that up? What do you feel?”

Guilt.

He didn’t want to say that because saying it usually took them to his sexuality and that was something that… Discussing it was embarrassing okay? He just couldn’t. It was one thing kissing Philip –that was easy- and holding his hand and stuff, but another thing entirely to sit there and talk about it like a thing. It was so fucking hard. 

“I don’t know”

Ugh, he hated the look that dude gave him. It said “I know you are lying” without having to say it. Great.

“Alright. You can think about that. How are things with Philip? I know he’s a big part of your life”

He was. 

“Things are okay. Just some stuff at school”

“People being complicated?”

Lukas nodded. 

“Have they hurt you?”

“They threw stuff at us and trashed Philip’s locker” He looked down. This was his life now. He was _that guy_. 

“And I see you got into a fight” he pointed at one of his bruises. Yeah.   
That.

“Yeah, and I got suspended for a week. Philip, too. It was stupid.” 

“People are afraid of what they don’t know. You need to be patient and trust that younger kids know this isn’t such a big deal. People are changing. Just look at your father and the progress he has made. You told me about the barbecue and how he allowed Philip to stay the night. Those are good things. Focus on that”

Lukas shrugged again, yeah that was nice but what about the future? He knew the city was different but his dad lived in Tivoli and he wasn’t going to disappear. That small town was home, and it was always going to be a part of him. 

“I think Philip wants to go back to the city with his mom”

“I thought his mom was in rehab”

“Yeah, but when she gets better”

“That scares you”

Of course that scared him. He wanted to go with Philip, or at least have him close. And the city wasn’t as close as they were right now. What if Philip decided that some other city boy was better than him? He would probably be right, it would be someone who wouldn’t hide, someone who didn’t know what a triple homicide looked like. Fuck. He couldn’t think about those things. It made him so fucking sad. 

“I just don’t feel this is temporary. Us, I mean”

“You are young, it always feels like it’s forever”

Lukas frowned “No, you don’t get it”

“Do you want to explain it?”

“No, actually I don’t” He crossed his arms, pissed. What did he know about love? No, really, what? And what did he know about what they had lived through? He knew nothing. Only he and Philip knew. They had gone through hell with each other and he couldn’t think about getting better without him.

Jesus, last night he stayed on the phone listening to his breathing until they both fell asleep. 

“I don’t want to be fatalistic, Lukas. A lot of people marry their high school sweethearts.”

“Yeah well, I’m gonna be one of them,” he said defiantly without even thinking about it.

“You think about that a lot?”

Shit. How come he always got him talking about stuff he didn’t want to talk? 

“Sometimes”

“Have you told Philip?”

“We had more important things to worry about”

The therapist moved a bit on his chair, he was old and always looked impeccable. That really got on Lukas’ nerves. 

“What you two have been through, nothing can erase that, but you have a chance at normal again. You will pull through. You are a survivor, Lukas”

“Thanks” He meant it. 

*

**To: Philip**  
this dude’s scary, man   
He always knows when im lying 

**From: Philip  
Youre the worst liar, Lukas**

**To: Philip  
No Im not**

**From: Philip  
u are, its cute**

He smiled at that, Philip was so cheesy, it was endearing. The talk with his therapist was still in the back of his mind, though. Maybe he should talk to him.

**To: Philip  
r u home alone? Need to talk to u**

**From: Philip  
I am what abt?**

**To: Philip  
See u**


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this fic is going to take a lot more chapters than I thought, our boys have a lot of things to go through. Don't worry, I found out I have a hard time making them suffer.  
> Thank you so much for reading and being so positive and lovely :')   
> Enjoy!

He was already talking before setting foot inside Philip's house. "I don't want you to go back to the city"

Philip was staring at him, holding the door open with one hand. He frowned, shit. Had he said the wrong thing?

"You don't want me to go back to the city?" Philip tilted his head like a small puppy, god he was so beautiful. It made him weak. 

"Yeah. I want you to stay" 

He could see Philip's brain working quickly, probably trying to think what got him there and what made him say that. And yeah, Lukas started feeling a little stupid because they hadn't discussed the future and Philip hadn't mentioned going back with his mom since the murders. 

"Don't go" he whispered again, moving forward and making Philip walk back until he hit a wall. This felt... Alright, this was probably a déjà vu from that one time he had kissed him to make him not tell. But it felt so different now. "Please, Philip"

"You can't just kiss me to make me do what you want" 

Auch. 

No. That wasn't what he was trying to do. Alright, maybe it was. But would it be so wrong? He wanted to be with him. That was all.

Lukas moved away, giving him space once again.

"Sorry" 

Philip sighed and sat down at the table. "Could you make some tea?" 

Tea. Alright. Yes.

Lukas could totally make that. Yes. He moved towards the kitchen, the kettle was right there. Thank God. He felt nervous and he knew Philip was looking at him. 

"What made you come running to tell me that?" 

"Nothing" He lied. He knew Philip knew he was lying. 

"I don't know if my mom is going to get any better" 

Lukas looked back at him. That didn't make him happy because Anne was really sweet and he wanted Philip to have a mom. He knew how bad it was to not have one. 

"I'm sure she will. She was getting better before" 

"Yeah well, maybe" 

Lukas sat next to him while they were waiting for the water to boil. He knew Philip liked black coffee and he hadn't thought he was a tea guy. Maybe he was really nervous or something.

"Wouldn't you like to come to the city with me?" 

Of course, he would like that. He felt his heart race because it felt like an invitation.

"Yeah. I would" 

Philip smiled, but it was such a sad smile he thought the boy was going to break down and cry right there.

"What is it?" 

He saw Philip shake his head. 

"I want to get to know you better"

"Why?"

Alright. Lukas gave him a look because he was being an idiot. 

"Why? Because you are my boyfriend" That got him a smile from Philip.   
Yes. 

"It's just that... I don't know if there's anything to go back to" 

Lukas laid his arm across the table and took one of Philip's hands.   
Fuck. The kettle started making a high pitched sound and he got up to turn the fire off. Philip told him where the tea bags were and he made two cups. He saw the boy clutch at it right away. 

"You cold?"

"No. I'm fine" Philip kept staring at him. "What do you want to know?"

"What do you want to tell me?" 

Philip frowned at that.

Okay. He had to come up with something pretty fast or he was going to miss the moment and he knew it was important; probably one of the most important moments of his life. Alright. Okay.

"Let's do it like this. I tell you something about me, and then you tell me something about you. Is that okay?"

Philip nodded and just stared back, waiting for him to start.

"Okay, so... I really don't like tea" 

They chuckled. 

"I don't either. Gabe bought it, though." Philip looked at the liquid inside the mug. "I like coffee because it's cheap and we always had it back home. Especially when my mom wanted to get better"

Alright. Lukas knew Philip was going to say things that would probably break his heart, but he didn't think he would start right away. Okay. He could do this.

"I go to my mother's grave just to talk to her. I'd like to take you one day, if you want"

"Of course I want to." Philip took his hand again over the table and squeezed softly. 

"She would've loved you" 

Philip pulled his hand towards his face and kissed the back of his hand. Oh. Damn, that felt so nice. He smiled back and touched his cheek before allowing their hands to go back to the table. 

"Sometimes I would sleep outside because mom had her boyfriend over. He didn't like me much and she just wanted to keep me away from him." 

Fuck. He hadn't thought about this well enough because they were sitting at the table and he wanted to reach out and hug him and kiss him and keep him comfortable and loved. 

Well, maybe Philip liked the space.

"I really hate soccer" Lukas tried, smiling at him and seeing Philip's face relax. It was good to have a break from all the bad things. 

"Soccer's nice" 

What? Lukas gave him a look, frowning slightly. "Wait, you just like watching the players" 

Philip laughed at that, that quirky laugh which looked as if he wanted to cover his face with one hand and look away. 

"YOU said that. Not me, Lukas" 

"Shut up" 

"You know I'm right" Philip punched his shoulder softly and he laughed. It felt good having that chemistry. Everything felt easier, even when it wasn't. 

"I know everyone thinks my mom was terrible with me. But that's not true. She never hurt me, or anything. She is sick, that's all" 

"She seemed nice" 

Philip smiled at him and relaxed. "Yeah, she is. She just... doesn't know how to be a parent. She was too young when I..."

Okay, there was something else there. What was it? Think, Lukas, think. He frowned looking at the boy, trying to see what was flashing behind his eyes. Shame? Sadness? No. Guilt. Oh.   
Shit.

"I'm sure she loved you from the start"

Philip was avoiding him, looking at their hands and playing with them. 

"She got messed up because of me" 

No.  
No. No. No. How could he fix that? Lukas moved closer and touched his chin, making him look up. "Hey, what are you saying?" 

"It's what I do. I mess people up" 

No. No. No. Not that look. It was almost like the one he had after the shootings, that void behind his eyes. That sadness tugging at him. Lukas moved quickly and hugged him.

"That's not true"

"Yes, it is. Just look at all this shit that happened...! The murders... you wouldn't have been there if I had never... You wouldn't have been shot! Tommy and T-Tracy..." 

Lukas cupped his face between his hands and looked at him, slightly angry -not at Philip, just angry at the world and everything they had been through- and slightly sad.

"If you hadn't come here I would be a mess. I would be... someone I didn't like. Helen and Gabe wouldn't have you, and you said they are nice to you. They took you in because you are family" 

Philip made a sound with his tongue and moved away, placing some distance between them. Okay. Lukas respected that.

"You don't get it. Everything would've been much better if I had never existed" 

That was a complete lie and completely stupid and Lukas had no idea why he was getting so fucking angry but he was. 

"That's bullshit and you know it" 

"It's not! What do YOU know about it? Huh? Your life is..." 

Oh. Oh, no. 

"What? Perfect?" Lukas was angry. Yup, very angry. "Wow, Philip." 

Philip looked away and a dark silence fell between them. It felt like that one time when he had said that... thing about Philip's mom. Philip had called him a rich kid, though, and that made him feel pretty bad too. He had his own problems but he had never said they were worst than whatever Philip had lived.

He sighed, and got up.

"Maybe I should go"

Philip stayed silent, arms tightly crossed across his chest. 

Fine.

Fine. Whatever. If that's what he wanted. He thought about saying something else, but it was pointless. He walked to the door but stopped when the wooden floor made a noise. 

"Wait" Philip moved closer. "Just..." 

Lukas felt like he was being punched. He didn't know why he felt that way. Maybe it was the way Philip looked so damn small, or maybe it was the way his voice was saying "please stay". 

"Do you really believe that?"

Philip looked at him. 

"Do you really believe everything would be better if you didn't exist?"

He saw the brunette clench his jaw, that beautiful muscle marking his cheek. The scar on his forehead was also noticeable, even more so when he got sad or stressed. It was endearing. Lukas felt weird for thinking that when Philip was feeling sad. But he was so beautiful. 

"Yeah. I guess..." 

"Well, you are wrong." Alright. That wasn't the best comeback. Fuck. How could he...? Philip was better than a fucking sponsorship, he was better than all the fucking races he could ever race. Philip was like... like that beautiful feeling when someone hugged you. 

"You would've found some other boy, Lukas" His voice was so soft, it made him look even smaller. 

"So I'm replaceable to you?" Philip's eyes grew wider at that. Alright, that was a nice way of showing him how stupid he was sounding. 

"That's not..." 

"Yeah, that's exactly what you're saying, Philip. Why is it so hard for you to understand that I like YOU?" 

Silence.

God. He wanted someone to say something, or just to hear some noise. The silence was killing him.

"I don't know why" Philip whispered, taking one step towards him. "I keep waiting for bad things to happen" 

"Nothing bad is going to happen. And if it does, I'm here. And Helen has your back" Philip smiled at that "She already put a bullet through a guy for us" 

"Ha. Ha. Not funny" Philip hugged him tight "Asshole"

"Hm, you love me," He said, teasing. 

"Yeah, I do" 

Shit. Philip was being serious. Shit. Fuck.   
He-  
How do you say it back...? Lukas mind was completely blank while his whole body was in heaven. Or something. Fuck.  
He smiled and kissed him hard, lips and teeth and tongue all over the place. God, Philip loved him. 

*

"I'm starting to believe that the only way to properly ground you is to keep you away from Lukas" Gabe looked at the boys, they were cuddling on the sofa under some blankets. 

"I just came here to talk to him." Lukas didn't move because Philip was pressed against his side and he was... well, he was crushing his arm a little bit. But it was okay. 

"I can see that" Gabe smiled and walked to the kitchen to leave the bags he was carrying. 

Mh.  
He could stay right there forever, and they didn't even have class the next morning. Maybe being suspended wouldn't be so bad. Helen was probably going to kick him out, though.

"I should go home, dad's going to kill me"

Philip shook his head, closing his eyes and moving closer to him if that was even possible. 

Fuck. He was making it hard. 

"I want to stay too" he whispered and kissed his hair. 

Alright. He was just going to close his eyes for a moment. Just a moment. He wasn't going to fall asleep. Nope. 

He fell asleep. Or maybe time just flew by. He couldn't be sure. 

Lukas could hear people speaking, his arm hurt and he was sure it was Philip's body pressed against it. It was fine.

"They have been through a lot, love. Just let Lukas stay. We can call Bo and let him know he's okay" 

"Gabe, they got suspended."

"For standing up for themselves. Come on, they are just teenagers."

Silence. They were probably looking at each other. Helen was scary but Gabe didn't seem to flinch around her. Never.  
Lukas hoped they would allow him to stay. He felt so warm next to Philip.

"Lukas is not our kid. I'll call Bo and see what he says"

Alright, that was a small victory. He highly doubted his father was going to be a problem. It's not like Bo was going to be happy thinking about Lukas sleeping next to Philip, but he wasn't going to make a big deal about it. It was almost as if he wanted to stay away from the whole thing.

*

"Boys" Lukas felt a hand on his shoulder, shaking him softly.   
Auch, his arm was completely numb and he was sweating, that blanket had been a bad idea. "Boys"

He opened his eyes to find Gabe waking them up. He was pretty gentle, it felt nice. Philip moved away from him. Uh, his arm was alive again. Lukas still wanted Philip to stay close, though. 

"You should go upstairs. Door open, okay?"

Philip nodded at that and got up, waiting for him. It wasn't like they were going to... Alright, Lukas wasn't going to lie to himself. There was a high chance they would want to touch each other, but he felt so tired that he doubted that would be the case. 

Besides, Helen and Gabe were putting their trust in them. That was nice.   
He followed Philip upstairs and into the bedroom. It was much colder in there.

The brunette quickly got out of his pants and pulled at the covers. 

"Come to bed"

Lukas smiled at that. Yeah, he wanted to hear that every fucking day. 

"How tired are you?"

"Is that a proposition, Lukas?"

He chuckled. "We could watch a movie" 

Lukas got into the bed wearing only his boxers and cuddled next to Philip, getting warm pretty fast. 

"Sure. Bring the laptop. It's over there" Philip pointed and he groaned. 

"Philip, I'm already in bed" 

"Me too" 

"But you are wearing your shirt" Lukas smiled trying to be charming.

"Yeah I'm not an exhibitionist like you" 

Philip got up, though. God, he was so damn fine. Lukas slapped his ass and smiled at the look he got. Alright, yeah, he had to keep his cool because the door was open and they had permission to sleep in the same bed. 

"I don't know much about movies," Philip told him when he got back into the bed, laptop between them.

"That's fine. I'm sure there's something" 

He started browsing and...

Guns. Gun. Gun. Violence. Death.

Shit. 

This was harder than he had thought. 

"How about some comedy or something?" Philip tried, covering one of Lukas' hands with one of his own. "It's okay" 

Lukas nodded and just put the first thing mildly decent he found. The movie was a complete excuse to cuddle Philip and kiss him. And maybe get him laughing some more. 

"We should go to the movies sometime" 

Philip moved and looked at him. "Is that a date?" 

"Hm. Maybe" 

Philip smiled at that and pulled him closer to get a kiss.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! 2016 is officially dead, done, terminated. Good riddance, nobody will miss you 2016.  
> Hope you all had a good new years eve! 
> 
> Enjoy :)

"This is so not fair" Rose said, sitting down on the grass next to him "You get suspended but your parents don't really ground you?" 

Philip smiled at her. They were watching Lukas practice with his bike. They had already taken some videos that morning while everyone else was in class. 

"That's because we were right" 

"My mom would have killed me if I'd gotten into a fight," Aaron said, putting one arm around Rose's back. As far as Philip knew, they weren't dating. He only hoped Rose was happy. He still felt guilty about putting her through hell. That video he took of them hadn't been that big deal, but still... she didn't deserve that at all. 

Lukas got closer to them, stopping the motorcycle right next to him. 

"What're you talking about?"

"We're just talking badly about you" Rose teased, Philip liked her a lot. 

"Shut up" 

"It's good that you’re racing again" 

It had been a while since Lukas had got back on his bike. After being shot... they weren't sure he was going to be able to just go back. But one night Lukas appeared at his house with the motorcycle and told him they were going to jump over the water and that he needed Philip to film it. And so they did. 

And since then, Lukas had been right back at riding and making all his jumps and stuff. 

"I guess" Lukas replied, accepting the water bottle Philip offered. "How was school?"

"Boring" Aaron rolled his eyes "Rose paired up with you for a chemistry project." 

"Really?" Lukas seemed surprised. 

"Yeah," Rose shifted, getting closer to the boy "The only other choice was one of the guys that threw stuff at you. So, I saved your ass. Again" 

"Thanks" 

Philip really, really liked her. 

"There's a party this weekend, are you two going to go?" 

Uhm. They stared at each other, not really sure if going to a party was the best idea after everything that had happened. Philip wanted to; if he was being honest. It wasn't the booze or the music or the people, it was just that... He had never had so many friends before. 

"Maybe if Helen allows me to" 

"Man…Must be hard. You know, your mom being the sheriff" Aaron took the water bottle from Lukas and took a big gulp of water.

"She's... she's not-" 

Rose saw him uncomfortable and started talking about something else. Or at least that was how it looked to Philip.   
He didn't deserve such a good friend.

"We've been talking about going to the movies. Wanna go with us?" 

Lukas gave him a look, well, he hadn't said it was a date. So Philip was going to be a little bit of an asshole. He tried not to smirk.

"Sure, but I don't want to watch any of those horrible horror movies Lukas loves" Rose gave him a funny look, Lukas laughed. 

"No horror movies, promise" 

Yeah, Philip wasn't sure they could handle any more blood. Not even fake blood. 

*

"You know who would be a mess if you didn't exist?" Lukas said while they were walking back home. Aaron and Rose had left and they were trying to enjoy the time together. They were already close to Philip's and Lukas really didn't want to say goodbye. 

"What?" 

Alright, it wasn't the best way or moment to bring up something like that, but he had been thinking about it all day and he needed Philip to know.

"Like, besides me. Do you know who would be a mess?" 

Philip frowned "No." 

"Rose" 

Philip stopped walking and just stared at him "Rose?"

"Yeah. I would still be using her and probably would just stay with her and stuff and she wouldn't be happy." 

That seemed to get Philip thinking about something. Lukas wanted to know what it was, he wanted to get inside his head. 

"You probably would've..." 

"No, I wouldn't have, Philip. I wouldn't have been brave enough. So stop being so stupid about the whole... 'I shouldn't exist' thing. Okay?" 

Philip didn't speak, but he saw him nod. Good. Okay. He had made his point. That was important. The rest was up to Philip, he was the one that had to believe it. 

*

Lukas really wanted to watch a horror film. Alright, maybe the whole thing about a murderer chasing some girl -or boy- wasn't the best considering their whole situation, but they were usually fun and he was sure he would be able to make out with Philip when he got scared.  
If Philip got scared. Hm, he wondered if he would. Lukas knew Philip could be a bit dark sometimes. Surely it was a consequence of everything the boy had seen already. 

Lukas placed a hand on the lowest part of Philip's back while they were walking to the movies. They were going with friends so he felt quite safe to touch him and keep him close. Yeah, some people were staring but he was growing used to it. Besides, stares were better than people actively being aggressive, so yeah. It was okay. 

"That's sick, dude" Lukas smiled at the picture Philip showed him. Damn, his boy really took the best ones. He wanted everyone to see how talented Philip was. 

"You call him 'dude'?" Aaron gave him a look. What was so weird about it? Lukas stared right back at him, completely baffled. 

"Yeah, why?"

"Well I think it's adorable" 

Rose thought everything was adorable, really. Lukas agreed only when she talked about dogs. 

He looked at Philip who was hiding a smirk. It was so nice to see him having fun, even if it was at his expense. 

"What do you think, Philip?" Aaron said, his tone completely friendly   
"Adorable or really weird?"

Philip laughed and shook his head "Adorable, actually. Stupid, but it's Lukas we're talking about..."

"Hey!" He pushed him softly, pulling him right back before kissing his cheek. The little shit. 

There weren't many movies to choose from, so they decided to go for the newest Star Wars one. Philip hadn't seen any of them and Lukas was sure he had seen all of them but couldn't remember. It was cool, though, it seemed fun and it was about space. And surely that wouldn't be triggering. 

"Do you want any popcorn?" Philip moved closer to him, it was kind of weird how fast they had adjusted to the whole boyfriend-boyfriend communication. They walked closer than friends and talked to each other in tones that only they knew what truly meant. It was weird but it made him so weak. 

"Yeah. Here" He pulled out some cash, but Philip already had his wallet and was buying it. "Oh, you paying for me now?"

"Shut up" Philip pulled at his shirt to kiss him. 

The lady that gave them the popcorn made a face at them, she didn't even try to hide it. Fucker.  
He tried not to be affected by it and followed his friends inside. Aaron and Rose sat side by side, obviously. It was funny to watch how much Aaron wanted to date her; Lukas was totally going to ask Rose what she thought about it. It would be nice to see her with someone that'd treat her well. 

"I never thought it would be like this" He whispered to Philip while the movie trailers before the movie were rolling. 

"What?"

"Coming out" 

Philip fully looked at him at that. "What do you mean?"

"I thought it would be like... one huge thing, beatings and stuff. I didn't think it would be like a million paper cuts a day" 

He bit his lip and Philip took his hand between them. 

"Paper cuts are the worst" 

They laughed and Lukas moved closer to kiss him when something hit his face. Oh, God, not again.

"Are you going to start already?!" Rose smiled, throwing another piece of her popcorn at them. 

Oh. Lukas laughed and moved away from Philip, who was still holding his hand. 

*

"That movie was awesome" Aaron exclaimed the moment they left the building. 

Yeah, it had been great but Rose had her eyes red from crying and he was sure the back of his hand still had Philip's fingernail imprints. It had been hard; explosions, gunshots, so much sadness. 

"I'm never going to the movies with you again, you are the worst" Rose wiped her nose with a tissue and closed her eyes for a moment. 

"Let's go grab something to eat. I'm sure that'll cheer you up" 

Lukas smiled at Aaron's suggestion and they all walked towards the first open dinner. He was craving a hamburger. Uh, with fries.

"Maybe we should go somewhere else" Rose whispered to them once they got in. There was a group of kids sitting at the restaurant, all former friends of Lukas. Great.  
He breathed in. If he left, if they just... No. He had to face it. This was his town, and if he wanted to have a normal life he was going to make them accept it.

"No way, I'm hungry. Come on, Philip"

Philip followed because of course he did and they all sat down getting back into their usual banter. They talked about the movie, of course, about how much Rose had cried and what they were going to eat. Philip called him fat and they laughed, sharing a long stare that made Lukas want to take him to the bathroom and do unspeakable things to his body. 

Lukas knew the little group of classmates was whispering about them, he could feel the stares but that only made him grab Philip tighter and keep him close. Lukas had no fucking clue where he was finding all this strength; if he was honest. 

"Lukas?"

All four of them looked at one of the girls, she had walked all the way to their table. Why?

"Yeah?" Lukas was almost sure he knew her. Maybe? Maybe at a party or something?

"Is it true you witnessed the murders?"

Philip became solid rock next to him, so tense. Fuck.   
Fuck, fuck.

"Why?" 

"Well, is it true? Everyone's talking about it" She crossed her arms. She wasn't going anywhere. Fuck that girl, honestly. 

"Yeah, we did" Lukas frowned. 

There was something in that girl's eyes, he knew her. Where had he seen her before?

She moved, clutching one of the glasses on the table and threw the contents over them. Lukas coughed and jumped feeling the sticky wetness of the soda all over his clothes. 

What? 

Philip was as shocked as he was. 

"That's for Tommy and Tracy, you sick fuck" 

Oh.

He didn't know her but he knew her late sister. 

Oh, no. 

He stared at the girl and she looked right back at him until Philip got up and left almost running. Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you got the small reference to one of my fave characters in there come give me a hug i love you whoever you are


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

"Hey, hey, hey" Helen got up from the table when her foster son stormed in. They had allowed him to go out with Lukas because Philip was a great kid, and they wanted to trust him more. Especially after everything that had happened in the last three months. "Philip, wait"

She followed quickly and put a hand on the door before he could slam it shut. 

"What's going on?"

Philip paced around his room, his arms crossed and his own hands tugging at his skin. She saw him shake his head and close his eyes.

"Philip"

"I'm going back to the city. When my mom gets better or I turn eighteen... I can't stay here" He said, his voice choked up. 

That hurt her. She knew Philip going back to the city was a possibility but she had hoped the boy would want to stay with them.   
Something had happened. Helen could see the way he was twitching, almost as if someone was chasing after him. She had been a cop too many years to not see all the signs. He wasn't telling the whole truth. And, of course, she could see the big stains on his clothes. 

"What happened? Did you fight with Lukas?"

"Lukas? No. No. I-..." 

"Calm down, Philip. Just talk to me" 

Philip looked up at her. 

"Did you tell them that because we didn't talk Tommy and Tracy...?" 

Helen moved closer, of course, she hadn't gone into so many details. She had informed their families that their children hadn't OD'd because that was her duty. 

"No. Philip you are a minor, I couldn't share your identity as an eyewitness even if I wanted to"

That didn't calm him down. Had the parents reached out to him? Had they hurt him? 

"Well everyone knows now. That they are dead because we didn't say anything! I have to go, Helen. I have to..." He moved frantically towards his closet, throwing his clothes on top of the bed trying to pack. 

He looked so scared.

How could this boy hide everything that had happened? Helen closed the distance between them and hugged him tightly. She was trying to be more open with him, trying to be a better foster mom.   
Philip sobbed against her, and Helen felt his hands grasping onto her shirt tightly. 

"It's okay, Philip. I'm here. We're here" She whispered. Oh, she knew. She knew what it was like to feel the weight of a life on her shoulders. She knew.   
Helen closed her eyes and held him, trying to carry that weight herself. She would have given anything to free him. 

She made him sat down on the bed, still holding him. 

"With everything that has happened, if going to the city is what you think will make you feel better we can talk about it" She spoke softly "You are going to college soon, too. But can I tell you something?"

Philip nodded, swallowing hard. 

"Even if you go to... Australia, you can't run away from this"

That didn't seem to help. Helen knew that. Helen knew this was all so hard, and Philip was so, so young. 

"Have you told Lukas you think about going to the city?"

Philip shook his head. 

"We will support you, and he will too. But you'll always have a family here. Okay?"

"Okay," Philip whispered, not moving away. Things were much better between them.

**From: Lukas  
Philip where r u?**

**From: Lukas  
R u ok? I'm worried**

**From: Lukas  
just call me**

Helen felt a buzz and saw Philip looking at his phone. 

"Lukas?"

"Yeah" Philip typed something and put his phone away.

**To: Lukas  
@ home. Don't want to talk. **

*

"He needs to know we are here for him," Helen said while sitting next to her husband who was barely awake.   
Gabe was always the calm one and the one that knew what to say. He gave her life stability. 

"You told him it wasn't his fault, right?"

"Not with those words, no"

"Helen..."

She sighed and moved on the bed to rest right next to him.

"I keep thinking that if they had told me sooner... they would probably be dead" She didn't want to sound so upset but she was. If she thought about it, there was a huge chance Ryan would've found the boys and silenced them before she could get a full statement or a sketch artist.   
If Philip hadn't traded that jacket that day or if he had spoken to the wrong person... 

"What happened with those kids," Gabe said, laying on his side and holding her close. "That's on Ryan. He was the one with the blood on his hands. Not you, not Philip or Lukas."

"That's not how Philip feels, and I get it."

Helen wished she could take it away, she really did. 

"Well, we will show him he's wrong. His therapist said he's improving"

"Hm"

It was true, they had agreed that the boys needed someone to talk to, someone professional. Philip decided he wanted to go with someone in the city, so they would drive him once a week. Helen liked the trip; it allowed her to bond with him a little bit more. 

"Maybe he should go see his mom" Gabe suggested, and it was a good idea, she knew it was. Helen nodded and closed his eyes. One day at a time. She had to take one day at a time. Maybe she could teach Philip that.

*

**To: Philip  
r u okay? Please talk to me**

**To: Philip  
will I see you tomorrow @ school?**

**To: Philip  
I know u said u dont want to talk but maybe we should?**

*

"Hey, Philip!" Rose smiled, waving at him. 

Philip looked at them but walked out of the cafeteria without waving back. Lukas had tried to speak to him earlier that day but... no luck.

"What's going on?" She said. Lukas didn't know, and he didn't know what to say either.

*

**From: Philip  
meet me at the tunnel, after school**

*

Philip was pacing back and forth, his eyes on the floor. Lukas was almost sure he hadn't noticed him yet. God, could he just stop that moment right there? He knew whatever it was they were going to talk it was going to be bad. It felt wrong. 

He wanted to grab Philip by the shoulders, stop him right there and tell him how much he loved him and that whatever it was that he was thinking, they would make it better. 

"Philip" 

The boy stopped and looked at him, the sun kissing his skin in a way that made Lukas' stomach jump with happiness. If only he could stop time. 

"I'm going back"

If only he could erase those words from his mind. He knew what Philip was saying but he didn't want to believe it. Not for one second.

"To the city?"

Philip nodded, crossing his arms. He was putting distance between the two of them even though Lukas was five feet away. 

"Yes. I'm going back. Thought you should know"

Okay. Lukas moved forward but saw Philip step back. Ouch.

"What does that mean?"

Philip shrugged, but they both knew. 

"Philip, please... You can't"

"Why? Because you came out just so I would stay with you?"

What?

Wait.

Lukas just... stared at him. Was that what Philip thought? That he had come out just so it was... easier to guilt-trip him into staying? 

Wow. 

That was such a low blow he wasn't sure he could recover. Was he supposed to speak? 

"So that's what you think of me. Of us. You think I would do that? I gave up everything!" He was shouting, and he hated himself for that. It's not that he didn't like being angry, but it reminded him of his dad and how scared that made him. He didn't want to scare anyone. But Philip was... was making him desperate. How could he think that? Yes, Lukas had fucked up with him. He had manipulated him out of fear so he wouldn't out him. Yes, he had done that and he was completely aware. But why would he manipulate him now? He was out of the fucking closet. His life had unraveled in front of his eyes. He said goodbye to a sponsorship, he made his choice long ago and yet... 

It still wasn't enough? He couldn't understand. 

"I didn't ask you to do any of it"

"I know. But maybe you should see I'm not fucking using you!"

"It's over, Lukas. It would've never lasted."

And Philip just... No. He wasn't going to let him go away. No.   
Lukas ran up to him, clutching at his arm and turning him around. Please, he wanted to say, just listen to me.   
He pushed him against the tunnel's wall and looked at him, pressing his body against his. 

"You can't leave" His voice was intense, and something inside Philip must have noticed because his eyes went dark and his whole body tensed up. 

"Let me go, Lukas" Philip's voice was low and steady, he was cutting right through him with a sharp knife and he didn't even know. 

"Philip, just... No, I won't"

"What? Are you going to _force_ me?"

What? Lukas moved away almost as if he had been burnt. 

"No! How could you say that?"

Philip walked away from him. "I'm sorry, Lukas"

*

Philip closed his eyes and sat close to his mom. She had been the only one to hug him or comfort him for the longest of times. It didn't always work. He wasn't sure when, but at some point his mother became unable to make everything better. 

But right now he felt she was the only one that would understand the mess he was. He wanted to take care of her, she didn't deserve everything that had happened in her life. Anne was all alone in the world and it was his fault. If he hadn't... _happened_ , his mother would probably be married to someone nice and her parents would still be in her life. 

"I'm sorry I couldn't see you sooner, sweetie" Anne touched his hair, it felt nice. He closed his eyes and nodded, his mom had had a hard time. He couldn't blame her. The killer had gotten to her and it was all his fault.

Again.

"When you get better we can go back"

There was a silence and Philip looked at her. 

"Philip, I don't know if our old life is... good for me anymore" She looked so skinny and fragile. "Helen and Gabe are good people and they care about you. They can give you a normal life."

Philip frowned. He didn't deserve a "normal" life. After everything that had happened he would be much better back in the city, even if that meant sleeping on the streets. Why would he stay with Helen and Gabe? He would only bring them more pain. 

And Lukas... That was never going to last. Lukas had his career -that he had already fucked up once because of him- and even if that didn't happen, he would go to college or something. And then they would be away from each other. And what couple survives a long distance relationship? Philip wasn't stupid, and he knew Lukas would discover a whole new world filled with other gay men and he would have a hard time being faithful. And how could he blame him? 

There were a lot of other guys that could be better than him, in more ways than one.

"I don't belong with them"

Anne smiled and touched his cheek, just like when he was a little baby. 

"Of course you do"

"No, mom" he frowned and knew she wasn't going to fight with him. 

That made him sad. 

"That little town is..." She smiled "well, you already know what I think about it. And Lukas cares about you doesn't he?"

Did he? Did he care? Did he really care? Why?   
Philip really couldn't get it. Why would Lukas care about him? They were victims of... what had happened. They had been through a really traumatic event after sharing a kiss, and now they felt like they had to be there for each other. It was only the trauma. And being the only two gay kids in town. Right?

If that was the truth, then why did he feel so horrible after breaking up with him?

Philip closed his eyes and breathed in. 

"It's hard to find a boy that treats you well, but you won't make the mistakes I made" He smiled at her, because what was he going to do? He didn't have the heart to tell her that maybe Lukas was just like the boyfriends she...

No.

Philip looked away, tormented. Lukas was nothing like the boyfriends her mother had had. He was nothing like them. Absolutely nothing. Yeah, Lukas could be self-destructive and an idiot sometimes, but he was nice and soft and comforting. Lukas would never yell or hit him.  
They had fought at school, but that was different. Lukas would never beat him to a pulp because he said the wrong thing or whatever. 

"Lukas and I broke up"

"Oh, sweetie" She hugged him and gave him a sad look. "What happened?"

"I don't belong there" _With him, I don't belong with him_. Philip wanted to say but couldn't. It didn't feel right, even if his brain was telling him that was the truth. 

He couldn't burden Lukas with his love. He deserved something better, someone, better. Someone who didn't fuck everything up by being alive. 

*

_"I don't know. I mean, when I packed up my stuff to leave, they didn't try to stop me or anything, so..."_

Oh, God. Lukas almost jumped out of bed at the memory. He had been thinking over and over about what had happened with Philip.  
He knew how to fix it. 

He grabbed his phone to make a call, he didn't even look at the time. 

"Lukas?... It's 2 am" 

"Rose, I need your help"


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! T

"Lukas, it's 2 am. What's going on?" 

He heard her yawn and felt bad about it for a split second but this was more important. He was going to make it right with Philip. Of course his boy wouldn't think much of himself, he was used to people always bailing on him. Lukas tried to remind himself that he didn't have the full story, yet. He didn't know how many foster homes Philip had been in, he wasn't sure how much pain had touched his boyfriend. 

Yeah, they had broken up but it was surely because Philip was being an idiot again. 

"I need your help. With Philip"

"Oh God, Lukas. Can't it wait? we are seeing each other at school you know?"

"No. I'm sorry, I need to... I just thought about it, that's all" That got him a laugh, and he smiled. 

"Fine, tell me what you need, lover boy"

"Shut up"

Yeah, he didn't deserve her. 

*

"You know we want you to stay with us, right?" Helen looked at Philip when they stopped the car in front of the school.

He had been quieter than usual and it was obvious how worried Gabe and Helen were. They hadn't talked much about the whole city thing, they hadn't talked about Lukas either.  
Well, Lukas hadn't contacted him after the talk. He shouldn't be surprised. 

Philip nodded because he didn't want to talk about anything anymore and got out of the car clutching at his bag. Maybe he could take some pictures after school. One good thing about being in that town was the scenery, the trees and birds; all that nature just for him and his camera. 

"Hey, Philip!" Rose was smiling at him, waving goodbye to Helen and everything. They were all so normal. 

"Hey, what's up?"

"Well, you have been avoiding me" She punched his shoulder softly before holding onto his arm and walking towards the building. 

"Sorry, just didn't want to..."

"See Lukas, I get it. Aaron will be with him today"

Philip sighed, he had to get over it. Rose and Aaron were Lukas' friends and he had no right to just... have their time. Besides, it was obvious they didn't want to leave them alone in fear that something would happen to them. It was nice to have that support, but he could manage on his own. He always had.

"I need advice, though"

"With what?" Philip was speaking quietly, he knew that. He also knew he had started doing so when he realized how little whatever he said mattered. He wasn't interesting and the world didn't care who he was, if someone had cared he wouldn't have been in and out of so many foster houses but they would always give him back. 

"With Aaron. He wants to take me out on a date, but I'm not sure. He insisted and I accepted. Would you go with me?"

"With you? What am I supposed to do?"

"I told him I had plans, but he was all 'I can join in', so maybe you can make the whole thing friendly and not... you know"

He smiled at that, it was a little bit funny "You want me to cockblock him"

Rose laughed. "Something like that. Do you think Helen will let you leave the house?"

"Yeah, she's cool."

"Great! I'll go to your house so Aaron can pick us up. He has a car"

Philip really liked Aaron's car a lot more than Lukas' motorcycle, but he wouldn't say that to him, it would probably hurt his pride. Oh, Lukas... He was trying not to miss him. Trying to get used to that empty feeling inside his chest.

*

"He's making friends" Gabe smiled, listening to his son and that girl's laughter coming from the other room.   
"He still needs to be home by eleven," Helen said with a serious look but laughed after a few seconds. She remembered what it was being a teenager. It had been a long time ago, but she remembered. 

"Maybe we could use that time, huh?" Gabe grabbed her waist, kissing her lips and smiling. It was good having a family. This family.  
They pulled away when they heard a car outside of the house. 

"Philip is that for you?!"

"Yeah, I think that's Aaron. Rose's boyfriend" 

The girl pushed him softly and they both shared a smile. It was so good seeing his kid smile like that even after everything that had happened. He knew Philip kept his feelings behind a brick wall, and he wanted to show him he could be himself with them. 

"Not my boyfriend. He'll be back by ten, Mrs Torrance"

"I like this girl" Helen smiled back. 

*

"What are we doing out here?" Philip stared at both of them. They had stopped the car at the end of the town and he had no idea what they were doing there.

He tried not to panic, they were his friends, they wouldn't do anything to him. Breathe _in_ , breathe _out_.  
It was getting dark and they had been waiting for half an hour. 

"Sorry, I just-... Give me a moment," Rose said getting out of the car and pulling out her phone.

Alright. Philip was tired of just waiting and something was clearly wrong. He got out of the car and saw Aaron go right after him. 

"What's going on?" he moved away almost as if they were about to attack him. Because what if they were...? What if...? 

_Breathe, breathe._

Philip clenched his teeth and tried to focus on the breeze touching his skin, moving his hair, on the sound of the bike...   
He frowned. A bike?

"Really, guys?" He groaned and walked back and forth because that was Lukas' bike and he was probably about to join them or something and they had _set him up. Fuck._

"Finally" Rose whispered. 

"Sorry, dad needed help"

Philip wasn't looking at them. No. Nope, he wasn't going to willingly participate in any of it. He wanted to go home. 

"Philip" He could hear Lukas extremely close to him. 

"No. Mh-mn, no." He mumbled, looking up for a moment. He was so beautiful. Damn. 

Rose and Aaron got back on the car and... left. How could they? Philip was so mad he was about to throw something at them. _No_ , of course, he wouldn't do something like that. He tried to repress whatever it was he was feeling, it had to be better that way. 

"C'mon, get on the bike. We have somewhere to be."

"Really? Lukas, I just want to go home"

"I'm not taking you home unless you come with me first." 

Ugh. Philip knew he had lost the moment he had seen his eyes. He could try to fight it, but it was pointless. 

_Fine._

"Fine" He got in the back of the motorcycle and tried not to hold onto Lukas but when he accelerated... He hugged him, tight. 

*

"Why are we stopping?" Philip tried to look at him, they were literally in the middle of nowhere. He already knew Lukas was taking him to the city, but there was NO reason to stop surrounded by trees and darkness. 

"I... I ran out of gas" Lukas seemed shocked. Well, he should be. How could he have run out of gas? That bike was his whole life, he breathed and slept with the damn thing.

Philip got off and took off his helmet, looking straight at him.

"What? Stop joking, Lukas. Alright?"

"I am not joking" 

Alright, Lukas' face was completely petrified and that was a little bit scary. Philip clenched his teeth. Okay, he had to be strong now. Just like his mom told him to be the first time she left him alone so she could go out and buy drugs. 

"Lukas, how are we going to go to the city now? We have to go back"

"No. We are not going back. Come on, we are close and I can fix it once we are there. It's still early" He smiled, and oh, Philip was so, so weak. 

"Fine. But you are buying me new shoes after this"

Lukas chuckled and started walking, pushing his bike. 

*

Shit.

Lukas was pretty nervous by now. How could he forget to fucking refule his bike? Shit.

They walked silently next to each other for a really long while. His feet hurt, and his arms too -the bike was so heavy- he wanted to talk to Philip but he really didn't know how to begin and the whole idea of this trip was to _show_ him and not _tell_ him what he was feeling. 

"Oh thank God" he sighed when the city came into view. They were so close. And yes, it had been so stupid and dangerous to just walk all the way...

But what are the chances of crossing paths with a serial killer _twice?_

"So, where are we going?" Philip looked pissed. He didn't like that look. Well, he did like the way he was frowning and the way his lips seemed so full and big with that little pout of his. 

"Oh, you'll see. Just let me get some gas so we can come back" 

It took them a while to find a gas station, mostly because he had no idea about the city and Philip wasn't guiding him around or well, talking to him. That was not good. 

"Alright, now we can go. Come here" He took his hand, Philip didn't pull away. That was an improvement. 

He felt sweaty and tired, his feet hurt and he was sure Philip was the same, but everything was going to be okay once they got to the restaurant. 

Lukas had searched all over the internet and found a nice restaurant where he could take Philip. He had made a reservation, of course, and had the money to pay it. Well, he had to ask some money to his dad but after being pretty loud about it he had gotten what he wanted. It was nice, being able to just... ask money for a date.

His dad still thought it was too much money. But, well, Lukas wasn't using all of it for food. His dad didn't have to know that last part. 

"You are taking me out to a restaurant?" Philip was looking at him once they got inside the building. His eyes were all big and staring at everything, almost as if he didn't belong there. 

God, Philip could be so stupid sometimes. Did he not see how gorgeous and nice he was?

"Yeah. Of course I am" Lukas smiled a little bit and a man walked up to them.

"Hello, do you have a reservation?"

"Yeah, I mean Yes. We do. Uh, Waldenbeck, Lukas. For two" He was pretty nervous, and Philip was staring at him. Maybe he was trying to understand why he was doing what he was doing? God, he really hoped Philip didn't believe he was doing it to _buy_ his affection. Shit. Had he overdone it? 

"Let me check that for you" The man smiled politely and pulled out a tablet. He frowned "I'm sorry, but you are late. Your reservation expired fifteen minutes ago."

No. No. No.

"Can't you make an exception?" 

"I'm sorry" His smile was less polite now and Lukas wanted to punch him or something. Of course they weren't making an exception for two teenagers. Fuck adults. 

He couldn't look at Philip, he couldn't bear his disappointed look. They walked out. God, he felt so defeated. 

"Uhm... we can find somewhere else. I'm sure there are empty tables somewhere" Lukas tried, looking up. Philip didn't look disappointed, he looked... He looked soft and relaxed. 

Weird. Why? Okay, he had done something right then. Okay. Good.

"Come on, I'll take you," Philip said, letting him grab his bike before starting to walk to the nearest McDonald's. 

"You gotta be kidding" He muttered and gave Philip a look who just shrugged. 

"I want fries"

Lukas smiled. 

*

They sat by a window, they didn't buy that much food. Two fries and two sodas and that was it. Lukas was more nervous than hungry, really. 

"I don't want you to go back to the city-"

"Look, Lukas, you can't just say..."

"Philip" Lukas gave him a long look. "What I was saying is that I don't want you to go back to the city alone. I understand this is your place and you feel like you need to be here. I get it. Or I think I do. Well, I want to get it. And if you want to live here, then okay. But you are not leaving me behind. I don't know what's going on, but I don't care and I don't want another boy"

Philip's face looked as if he had slapped him. Oh. He had fucked up. He had, hadn't he? He had said something horrible. He had just fucked up so bad Philip was going to leave him right there. 

"Why?" His voice was so low Lukas almost had to read his lips. 

"Why? Really? Because-... Because..." 

If he couldn't say it, then how was he going to get Philip to believe him? He closed his eyes for a moment and nodded. Okay. He could do it.   
He moved slightly forward. 

"Because every time I'm with you..." No. "Every time I think about you, my stomach hurts" His voice became lower near the end of the phrase, trying not to feel so fucking scared. Words weren't his thing but he had to take a chance, he had to. He wouldn't lose Philip. No fucking way.   
Philip slightly raised his eyebrows, his eyes searching his face and Lukas had no idea what he was looking for. And then he got up, and switched places, sitting next to him. 

"Lukas..." His voice was so fragile.

"Yeah" He whispered back, taking his face between his hands and kissing him softly. It wasn't a really long kiss, they both wanted to hug each other and Lukas knew that. He wasn't that stupid when it came to reading Philip.

Alright, he wasn't the best at reading what was going on in his head, but there was something when they touched that just... told him what to do and how to do it. 

"This is a really bad date" Lukas whispered against his shoulder, feeling Philip's laugh through their embrace. 

"Oh, it was a date?"

"Shut up" He smiled. 

*

"I know Helen wants you to be back by eleven or something like that. But..."

"But?"

"But..." He smiled dragging the words trying to keep the suspense going. Lukas knew he acted like a fool around Philip but he couldn't help himself. It was just so easy and comfortable and he knew his boy found it endearing. 

"Let's spend the night"

Philip huffed. "On the street?"

"No, idiot, I got us a suite"

He smirked when Philip's mouth became an "o". 

"I-..."

"Shut up and follow me, yeah? You can call Helen there and we can say that I'm still out of gas or something"

Philip started walking but didn't seem to know what to say, it was endearing. 

*

"Do you like that?"

Philip jumped, putting down his camera. He was taking a picture of a big piano inside the hotel while Lukas got the room's key. 

"It makes a nice picture"

Hm. He was right, as usual. Well, he supposed, he wasn't an expert in art and stuff. 

Lukas made a gesture towards the elevators so Philip would follow.

"You were so confident in our date that you rented a suite?"

"Well..." Lukas smiled. 

"God" 

They laughed and oh, he just had to kiss that smile. He moved cupping Philip's head between his hands and kissed him. Hm, his lips tasted a little salty from the fries but they were so smooth. God. Those lips were surreal, there was no way he was human.

Okay, Lukas knew his thoughts became really stupid when he was kissing or touching Philip, but it wasn't like he had to say it out loud. 

"Hm, Lukas" Philip panted, his arms around his waist. Lukas was completely aware they were inside the elevator and they -probably- shouldn't be kissing but he wasn't about to stop just because someone _could_ see them. 

He moved his fingertips inside Philip's shirt, feeling the warm skin around his waist. The only reason he broke the kiss in that particular moment was so he could watch how Philip's face changed under his hands. How he opened his mouth softly when he reached up with his fingers. God.

Lukas stopped with his back and allowed his hands to travel all the way up Philip's chest. They were still holding each other's eyes and it felt so intimate even though they were in a public space. 

"'s that good?" He whispered, moving closer and touching their lips together. Philip nodded and made a wonderful sound when Lukas pinched one of his nipples. God, _yes._

Lukas was about to kiss him again when the elevator's door opened. 

What?

Oh yeah, they were already on their floor. Jesus, he had to focus. He grabbed Philip's hand feeling invincible and pulled him towards their suite. He had talked to the hotel beforehand.

"Close your eyes"

Philip gave him a look, his hair was a mess and his lips red. God, he wanted to see him on his knees. 

"Come on, close them"

Philip complied, after rolling his eyes at him. 

"Fine, they are closed. You better not try anything stupid"

Lukas opened the door and pulled him inside. The room was pretty nice, and there was a bouquet of roses on the bed. He couldn't order champagne because he was a minor but whatever. 

"Alright, you can open your eyes"

"I swear, Lukas..." Philip started before opening his eyes and went completely quiet when he did. 

Did he like it? Was too much? 

Lukas stared at him. He was about to say something, to ask if it Philip was okay when the boy moved towards the bed and touched the roses almost as if they were about to disappear. 

"I don't really know if you like roses or... well, flowers" Lukas frowned worriedly, Rose had said everyone liked flowers and absolutely everyone liked roses… but Philip wasn’t talking to him. Fuck. "Dude, just say something"

"I do like them" 

Lukas frowned. Was he okay? His tone was so low. He got closer and put a hand on his shoulder, feeling his body was relaxed. Well, at least he wasn't tense or crying or angry or anything bad. 

"Philip?"

"You thought... You did all of this" Philip turned around and looked at him. “For me?” Well yeah, he obviously had done all of that for him. 

"If the next words out of your mouth are 'why' I'm going to need a drink"  
Philip tilted his head but he knew he was right. That was exactly what he had been thinking. 'Why would Lukas do this for me?'. Jesus.  
Philip opened his mouth a couple of times but nothing came out. Yup, he was still asking himself why. Lukas touched his chin with a couple of fingers and kissed him softly. 

"I already told you why" He whispered, before pulling him closer, feeling their bodies press together. Philip kissed back, holding onto him for dear life. He couldn’t remember his kisses being this hurried or passionate before. It felt really good. 

Lukas pushed him onto the bed, throwing the flowers onto the floor with one hand. Yeah, poor roses but he didn't care at the moment and he was half sure Philip didn't either.

He placed himself between Philip's legs, holding onto the back of his knees to pull him closer. Mh. 

Lukas bent down to kiss him, allowing Philip to tug at his shirt to take it off. It was the first night they were completely alone with nothing to worry about. There was no killer, there was nobody in the next room, they were alone to be with each other. This was heaven. 

Philip made the hottest sound he had ever heard and started kissing his neck, pulling strongly at the skin with his teeth. Lukas was sure that was going to leave a mark, and he didn't care. God, he was Philip's and the boy knew it. 

Lukas pulled away hating himself, but he needed to take Philip's shirt off. He _had to_ , it was completely vital. 

No one had ever told him how sex really felt like. Yeah, he had watched porn like any other teenager and watched movies and shit. But nothing came even close to this. Yes, it was fireworks and butterflies and everything good with the world, but it was also messy. And silly, and stupid at times.

He found himself laughing with Philip when his hands struggled with Philip's pants. 

"That damned button" he muttered, feeling Philip's amused stare. 

"Here, let me"

"Thanks" 

His eyes travelled through Philip's chest to Philip's hands on his zipper. Lukas pulled at his pants and noticed he hadn't taken his shoes first. Shit. They laughed again. 

"Oh shut up" 

"Well, take them off" Philip teased moving one of his feet and smiling at him. 

Lukas rolled his eyes but proceeded to do so. He wasn't precisely gentle with his movements but he got what he wanted: to take most of Philip's clothes off. 

He wasn't going to wait anymore, so he took off his too. 

"Come here" Philip pulled him down right between his legs once again. And then it was as if they had never been laughing or joking around. The air was heavy between them and Lukas could only think about skin and kisses and teeth and tongue and _oh_. 

Philip had his hands inside his boxers, clutching tightly at his ass and it felt so good. It also felt like an invitation.

"Do you want to?"

"Yes," Philip nodded kissing him and then taking his boxers off. "Do you have...?"

"Damn right I have everything"

Philip laughed and stared at him while Lukas tumbled out of the bed and grabbed a condom and some lube from his stuff.   
"How do you wanna do it?" 

"I'm okay like this" Philip smiled, laying on his back. God, he was a pure fucking angel and Lukas had no idea what he had done in his life to be able to fuck something so pretty. 

He kneeled between Philip's legs. "You sure? I read it hurts more"

"Lukas, I'll be okay. Just go slow"

Lukas nodded and opened the condom placing it on his dick. He was really hard from all the kissing and touching. He stroked himself a couple of times just looking at the beautiful boy right there in front of him. The boy he was going to ravish in a couple of moments. 

They always tried to do it face to face, because 1) he liked looking at those brown eyes, and 2) Philip liked riding him. 

"Put your legs u-... Yeah, like that" He whispered holding him in place and kissing him on the lips while one of his hands opened the bottle of lube. Philip was usually the one that bought that type of thing, so this had been the first time he had had to go and... look at someone in the eye while paying for lube. And condoms.

It wasn't easy but oh, it was so worth it. 

Philip gasped when he pressed a wet finger between his thighs. Lukas wanted to moan too, looking at his boy like that, knowing he was about to be _inside_ of him.

Philip fisted the sheets when he slid the first finger, eyes closed and muscles tense. 

"I'm okay, it's okay" he heard him and felt so in love with this boy that even when he was so exposed and vulnerable was still trying to make _him_ feel confident and chill. 

Lukas was going to make this so good for him. He moved his finger slowly until Philip wasn't so tense anymore and tried sliding in another finger. It was slightly easier than the first times they had done this, but he still took extreme care with him. He would cut off his whole hand before hurting him. Hell, he would cut his own dick if he hurt him.   
Philip kept his eyes closed but started to make beautiful small noises, back arched and hips slightly towards him. 

"'s so good, Lukas. Please..."

Lukas kept moving his fingers, he knew he was teasing now but it felt so good to tease. 

"Please?"

Philip groaned and looked at him. Yes. Oh. Yes. He was completely dishevelled, his hair a complete mess, lips big and red, skin red. Lukas took out his fingers because he couldn't handle it anymore.   
And to think he had thought about denying himself all of this... 

"Fuck me, Lukas. Please _fuck_ me" 

Lukas mind went completely blank and he was kissing Philip madly before he even knew it. It had never crossed Lukas mind that Philip could be good at dirty talk but oh he was, and it drove him crazy. And, the worst part was that Philip knew that. The little shit.

He placed a hand on Philip's hip to keep it slightly up while he started sliding into him. 

"Ah-..." Philip held onto his shoulders, digging his fingernails deep into his skin. Lukas wanted to say it hurt, but it didn't. It felt so fucking good he wanted Philip to leave marks all over his skin. Everywhere.

"You okay?" He asked when he was completely inside of him. He felt complete. God. He felt so good. He had to close his eyes to calm himself down and remember that he had to take it easy. 

Philip caressed his hair and then his cheek. "I'm okay. Just wait a moment"

"Y-Yeah" Lukas kissed him softly, one hand against the mattress and the other one sliding between their bodies to stroke Philip's cock.   
He heard him moan, half pleasure half pain. 

"Better?"

Philip nodded and dragged his fingers along his back. Oh, his fingernails were digging deep. He arched his back a little bit and hissed, it felt good. 

After a couple of moments, he started moving, paying special attention to Philip's expressions. He only started a constant rhythm when Philip's moans became louder and clearer. It was all pleasure his boy was feeling, so it was okay to go faster. And harder. God, yes.

They were all limbs and movement and stars and Lukas felt so alive at that moment. He was sure there wasn't anything like this. The closest he had gotten to this was on his bike, and it was so tame compared to what his whole body -his whole soul- was experiencing. 

* 

"You know we could have ordered room service right? You didn't have to make a reservation at that expensive place"

Lukas shook his head, they had showered together which was a completely new experience. It had been great, and that had nothing to do with the blowjob Philip gave him. Well, maybe it had _something_ to do with that. But feeling his hands on his hair also felt pretty nice. 

"Well if I wanted to sleep with you I had to buy you dinner first"

Philip snorted and pushed him, almost off the bed. 

"You got Rose to help you, that was a smart move. Didn't see it coming"

"Really?" Lukas smiled "Cool. But this wasn't a date. I will tell you when we have one"

Philip smirked at him "Alright. Whatever you say."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> his fic is rated Mature now! :) Hope you liked it, long time without writing smut


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! :)

"What did she say?" Lukas asked when Philip dropped his cell phone on the floor. They had, maybe, forgotten to text Helen and maybe Philip had six missed phone calls. Oh, they were so screwed. 

Lukas realized he actually didn't care at all. 

"She's happy I'm okay and she said I'm not allowed to see you after school for a week." 

Ouch. Well, they really weren't good at being away from each other. He was sure they were going to find a way to see each other. 

"Mh, you could use that time away from me to take more pictures" 

Philip gave him a look, and moved closer, resting his head on Lukas' chest. Lukas smiled and kept him close, looking down to see his hair and his pretty face. So, so pretty.

"Why?" 

"Because you are really good at it" He smiled and touched Philip's naked arm. "And you need a portfolio if you are going to be, you know, really famous" 

"Oh, I thought you were the one that was going to be really famous" 

Lukas chuckled and nodded.

"Yeah, I'm going to be a motocross star" He wasn't so sure about it anymore, but he was going to fight for it, as hard as he could. "But you are going to be like, a big photographer."

Philip looked as if he was trying not to laugh. They held each other's eyes for a couple of moments, and then he kissed Philip's nose. 

"Philip?"

"Yeah?"

Alright. He wasn't sure if this was a good moment or not, but he felt so close to Philip after having sex that he might as well try. Lukas really wanted to get the full picture, or as full as it was possible. 

"Did any of your mom's boyfriends... hurt you?"

Philip stopped breathing for a moment, not looking at him. Okay. It was okay. At least he wasn't tense and he wasn't running away from the bed or anything.

"I guess. They would push me around and hit me sometimes, yeah. When mom wasn't looking."

He breathed in and pulled Philip closer. If he could just fix everything with a hug... he knew that was impossible but that wasn't going to stop him from trying. 

"It's just... something you said at the tunnel. You said... Well, you asked. Well, you kind of suggested that I was going to... uh, you know, force you. And I just thought..."

Philip moved slightly away to look at his face. 

"No, I wasn't raped, Lukas."

He let go all the air he had been holding inside. Okay. Good. He didn't know a better way to ask it and Philip was so blunt about it that he was sure he wasn't lying. Not that it mattered. Of course it didn't. It wouldn't change a thing.

"I mean, I just got worried..."

"Yeah. Did your dad ever hit you?"

Lukas nodded. It had only been once, and his dad was drunk and it was because he found out Lukas had gone to the cemetery to see his mum. It was fine. It had been a long time ago.

He closed his eyes. 

"Sorry, Lukas" 

How could this boy be more sweet and caring? There he was, feeling sorry about himself when Philip had gone through... so much shit. And still, it was Philip who was the one comforting. 

God, he needed to change that. 

He opened his eyes and smiled softly. 

"It's okay, really. He apologized and it was only because he was drunk"

Philip gave him a long look, and Lukas wondered if that was something Philip used to say to himself every time something bad happened. 

"I've been in foster homes since I was 12" 

Alright. That was unexpected. Not the age, but the sudden confession. That was progress, right? It meant Philip was opening up to him? 

"How many foster homes?"

"Eight"

This was completely new territory, Lukas wasn't sure how to proceed. Should he ask him about it? Or just nod? 

"Sucks"

Wow. Great. He was so stupid.

"Yeah" Philip sighed and rested his head back on his chest. 

They remained that way for a while, just listening to each other's breaths. It was peaceful and Lukas mind wandered again. 

"How many guests do you think we should have at our wedding?"

Okay, it sounded more stupid out loud than inside his head but... Philip giggled and shook his head. 

"Oh, have you proposed already?"

"I will, one day. Come on..."

There was a small pause. 

"Just our family and friends, I guess. Keep your fans away"

"Aw, man. That's so not cool."

They laughed and Lukas looked up at the ceiling, okay, if he was going to fucking daydream and share it with Philip then he was going to be cheesy. 

"How many bedrooms in our house?"

"One?" Philip chuckled as if it was obvious "Why would you want more?"

"Duh, for our foster kids?"

"Wh-..." 

There was a moment when Philip was completely still in his arms. What was he thinking? Lukas tried to look at him but he could only see his hair.

"Really?" He heard Philip whisper and felt something wet against his chest. Oh no, was he crying? Had he fucked up? No. No, he hadn't fucked up because Philip wasn't sobbing or clutching at him or anything. Were those happy tears? 

"Yeah, of course. I mean it's cool if you don't want to, we can have do-..." 

He was interrupted by Philip's lips and he knew they weren't going to sleep for a long while. 

*

Lukas frowned in his sleep, he was almost sure someone was moving next to him. Hm. Philip. It had to be, right?  
Maybe he had gone to the bathroom, yeah, surely it was that. God, he was so tired after the night they had shared.   
Was Philip talking too?

"Mh?"

"No, no, no, no" 

Lukas opened his eyes almost instantly and turned around, and yes, of course it was Philip. He was practically shaking, his lips moving and muttering things Lukas couldn't hear. God, it was a nightmare. They would call each other after one but this was different. Actually seeing it happen broke his heart. 

"Philip, Philip I'm here," He said, touching his face and trying to bring him back from the dark hole he was in. "Philip, wake up. Come on, you are with me"

Philip opened his eyes and it took him a couple of seconds to focus, the room was dark so Lukas didn't blame him.

"It was just a dream, you’re okay..."

It didn't seem to help at all. Was waking up worse than being inside a nightmare? When the killer was alive and chasing them, Lukas felt the nightmare didn't end when he woke up. God, he wanted to leave everything behind. Everything but Philip.

"We killed them" His voice was frail, but Lukas understood perfectly.

"Philip... that's not..." 

He wanted to say that it wasn't their fault. But, oh, it was. And it was his fault, not so much Philip's. The brunette had done exactly what he had asked. He had been the coward.

"We killed them. Tommy and Tracy. We killed them!" Philip pressed both fists against his chest, and Lukas didn't know what to do. 

"That-that was the killer" He whispered, hugging Philip and feeling his arms clutching at him for dear life. Lukas knew he sounded like he wanted to convince himself. God, he felt like he was drowning.   
Was he crying too? Shit.

He kissed Philip's hair and left his lips right there, keeping him close while they both sobbed quietly. Why? Why hadn't he talked? He knew _why_ but it seemed so stupid now. So fucking stupid.

*

"Philip you can't leave whenever you want and not talk to us. We were really worried about you!"

Helen must've seen something in him because she wasn't being as harsh as she should. After the nightmare, he hadn't slept again. Lukas tried to stay awake with him but failed, it was okay, though. He was the one that was going to drive them all the way back. 

"I didn't know Lukas was taking me to the city" That much was true, but he knew he should've called Helen anyway. 

"Yes, and I will talk to Bo about that"

Oh. No. No.

"No, no that's not necessary. It will make it bad for Lukas, don't do that"

Helen seemed to think about it for a moment.

"Bo is coming around"

"He's still bad with Lukas. I don't want to give him reasons to get mad at him, or whatever"

Helen pursed her lips. "Okay. I won't call Bo if you make me a promise"

"Yeah, sure..."

"Promise me you are going to talk about Tommy and Tracy in therapy"

Philip wanted to run. Just go, go somewhere. Get some cash and maybe buy a bus ticket and just leave. He could live on the streets, he was sure he could make some money. 

He closed his eyes. No, that wasn't his life anymore.

"Okay"

"Promise?"

"Fine, yeah, I promise" He looked at her, lying. 

*

Aaron gave them a long look while they were having lunch. Okay, it was creeping Lukas out. 

"Do I have something on my face?" He tried.

"No"

Okay. That was really uncomfortable. Philip didn't seem to mind at all and was eating his sandwich calmly. 

"You know?" Aaron started, thank God. "For some reason, I thought that a relationship between two guys was drama free. Clearly, I was mistaken"  
Rose snorted looking away from them and trying not to laugh anymore. Oh, really cute. He gave his friend a look, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. Maybe they were a little bit dramatic. But it's not like they wanted to be! They had seen a fucking triple homicide and... He sighed, he didn't want to get mad at his friends. They had no idea what they had been through and probably...

Well, now that he thought about it, it looked pretty dramatic. Philip running away, avoiding him, and then Lukas planning a big romantic gesture to get back together.

He smiled at that, feeling like one of those dudes from a romantic movie. The one that leaves everything and runs after the girl. Guy, in this case. 

"You're an idiot"

"Takes one to know one"

They high fived each other and Philip rolled his eyes at them. 

"You guys okay then?" Rose stole one of Aaron's chips. Okay, were they dating? He really needed to ask her about it. 

"Yeah," Philip said placing his camera on the table, he had been taking pictures of the food for... some reason that Lukas didn't understand. 

"Good. At least Lukas won't be calling me at 2 am to talk about you"

He hadn't done that! Jesus, he felt blood rush to his cheeks. 

"That's not what happened" He tried to explain, looking at Philip but _oh_ that look. "Well, maybe a little bit"

Philip smiled and pulled him in for a kiss. Mh. It felt so good to do that, even if his stomach hurt with nervousness at the thought of people watching. School didn't feel like a safe place anymore. Ha. As if it had ever been in the first place. 

Lukas wondered if people knew exactly how much they had been involved in Tommy and Tracy's deaths. He really hoped not, because Philip -and himself- weren't going to survive it if someone else jumped at them about it.   
They walked together, arms touching, towards their next class. Things felt almost normal, but Lukas had a bad feeling. He just... he was sure something bad was going to happen and he didn't know what it was. 

"Lukas" Philip touched his leg, he had been moving it up and down non-stop. He was probably making him nervous.

"Sorry"

"You okay?" Those big brown worried eyes... 

"Yeah. Of course"

_BAM._

Lukas jumped grabbing Philip's arm way too tightly. Oh. God.

Oh god, it was the door. It slammed shut when the teacher got inside the classroom. 

Oh, thank God. 

He closed his eyes for a moment, thinking everything was going to be okay. He was only nervous because they had had a bad week. That was all. Everything was okay.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :)

"I am okay with sitting here in silence" She smiled, and Philip wanted to throw up. It wasn't that she was bad or anything, quite the contrary. But the thought of spilling everything, of talking about his life and thoughts terrified him.

Amy knew about what he had witnessed because talking about _it_ was... somehow easier than telling her about his mom or how scared he was about drugs or what actually terrified him about water.   
Philip knew he was being difficult, he would just sit there, move his leg and play with his shirt and maybe share something. She tried so hard to make him talk but he just... he knew what she was doing. That's what everyone did when they wanted him to talk. They faked interest and were all smiles until he told them about his life and then it all changed. Then social services would get in the middle and he would be taken away. Again.

"We had a date"

Lukas was easy to talk about too, well, not _easy_. He was still a teenager and it made him uncomfortable, but it was something good and that was what normal people did, right? They would talk about the good things. 

"With Lukas? That's really nice. Last time we talked you had broken up"

Yeah. That.

"I guess"

She wrote something down, ugh. It made him anxious. 

"Did you want to go back with him?"

"Why would I do it if I didn't want to?"

"You might feel like you owe him something"

Philip that felt like a punch. He didn't deserve what Lukas had done for him, but was it that obvious for everyone? 

"No, I want to be with him. He didn't have to do all of that but I didn't sleep with him because I felt like I _owed_ him"

Amy smiled. "That's really good, because if he did all of that it is because he cares and thinks you deserve all that trouble. Your foster parents feel the same way. I heard they want to make you a dark room in your closet?"

Philip's heart felt warm at that. Alright, he was going to allow himself _one_ moment to bask in that. Maybe Lukas did love him and found him worthy and maybe Helen and Gabe wanted to do that because they cared and loved him too.

He closed his eyes for a moment, he could almost believe it. Almost. But if he allowed himself to be really happy then someone or something was going to take everything away. 

After all, his mom was going to get better -someday, maybe- and he had to take care of her. So sooner or later he was going to have to leave them. 

"Uh, yeah" He spoke, slightly blushed. God, he really shouldn't stay silent for so long.

He remembered the promise he had made to Helen. Maybe if he started... being different. Maybe if he started acting like a normal kid he would be worthy. Maybe they wouldn't give him back. 

"Something happened a couple of weeks ago."

Amy seemed interested at that and moved her red hair over one of her shoulders. 

"What happened?"

"We had gone out with some friends..." _Friends_ ; it sounded weird. "Tracy's sister was there. She threw something at us" Philip looked down. That girl -god, he didn't even know her name- had been way too kind. She should've thrown acid at them. "Because we killed her sister" He couldn't look up, he had no strength to do so. 

"How did she die?"

Philip shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Had they suffered? God, they were so young. Why was he alive while they weren't? How could he enjoy love while they were six feet under?

"That... guy from the FBI, the-the killer drugged them. He made them OD"

"So 'that guy from the FBI' killed them"

Philip frowned and looked at her. Ugh, she looked... nice. Why? Why wasn't she hating him and throwing things and punching him? He had just confessed and she was just... _nice_. 

"No. We did. We did the moment we didn't say anything! The moment I traded my jacket with Tommy,"

"Tommy?"

"Uh, Tracy's boyfriend. They were murdered together, and it's my fault. Our fault..."

Amy sighed and seemed to think about her next words. 

"Why do you think you killed them?"

"Why? Are you not listening to me? We knew who the killer was and we didn't say _anything_!"

She didn't even seem worried about his tone of voice. 

"Let's say I give you this" she showed him her pen "and let's say someone wants to rob it from you and they hurt you. Am I to blame?"

"No, but you didn't know it was going to happen!"

"Neither did you"

"I did!" Philip wanted to jump out of the chair and just scream until she understood. "He was going after us and he saw my jacket, and he saw Tommy wearing my jacket and he..." 

Philip was shaking, he didn't even notice when he started. He didn't want to... He didn't...

"I was so scared... and I didn't want Lukas to hate me. I didn't want to-to..."

He felt Amy move from her seat and place herself next to him. 

"You are a kid, Philip. A good kid" She stroked his hair. "You experienced something terrible and nothing about it is your fault. Okay?"

He nodded because there was something about her that was really soothing and motherly-like. 

"They blame me... us. They blame us"

"They are hurting, but I assure you the blame is on the murderer" 

*

"How did it go?"

Helen was being nice, but he didn't want to talk about it. When his session ended, he dragged himself to the bathroom to wash his face and tried to keep himself calm. He had failed. His mind kept going back to the cabin, to the shootings... One dead body. Two. Three

Four.

Helen shooting him. Four dead bodies. Four.

One. Two. Th-... 

"Philip? It's okay. Breathe slowly, I know what it feels like"

He nodded, keeping things bottled down was one of his talents but everything felt out of his control now.

Philip gave her a small sign to let her know it was okay to just drive. He didn't want to be there anymore, just waiting. His camera felt heavy inside his bag, so he took it out cleaning softly one side before turning it on.

"Helen?"

"Yeah?"

Philip thought about his words carefully, he wanted her to like him. He really did, and he hated himself a little bit for that. At first, he had assumed she wouldn't like him at all. She was a cop, and really cold and all. But she wasn't just that. And maybe he could not be just a stupid foster kid. 

"How does it...? Does it get better?"

She seemed to know exactly what he was saying and didn't look at him. The only reason Philip knew about... the baby, was because she had told the killer and he had been present. He doubted Gabe knew. 

"It's something you live with everyday. And you fight so it won't eat you alive" She looked over at him for a moment, and then returned her attention to the road "Ryan could've gotten to you both. But he didn't, and you are alive. You need to cherish that. Second chances are... rare"

"Is that how you felt when you met Gabe?"

She chuckled. 

"Yes, you could say so. But one single person can't heal you or save you. They can make it much better, though"

Philip nodded and stared out of the window. 

The trees just melted into one big green mass and he suddenly didn't want to look at them anymore. Closing his eyes, he rested his head against the glass.

"I talked to her about... the murders"

"Did it make you feel any better?"

"Yes" _No._

*

**To: Philip  
I need to talk to you**

**To: Philip  
NOW.**

"Hey, what's wrong?"

Philip sounded worried, oh, yeah those texts were probably scary. He had never felt more alive, he could just jump straight - _ha_ \- to the moon. 

"There's..."

"Lukas, please, what's wrong?"

He could hear shuffling. Philip was probably trying to get dressed. God, that melted his insides. 

"A sponsor wants to meet with me!"

Silence.

_Laughter_. God, that was beautiful. 

"Really?"

"Yeah! We're seeing them tomorrow, wanna come?"

Silence.

"Are you sure?"

Lukas felt the real question behind it. Did he want his sponsor knowing he was gay? Did he want them knowing his boyfriend?   
Well, they probably already knew he was gay. It's not like he was hiding it, and there was a race coming up that he _had_ to win. So maybe it didn't matter to them? 

"I want you to come, yes"

More silence. Lukas bit his lip and paced around in his room, god, he felt so happy. Maybe his life wasn't over.

"I'm really happy for you, Lukas. But I shouldn't be there if it's gonna fuck up your chance"

"Philip, we're in this together, right?" He said, smiling because everything was good. Everything. He could stop thinking about the nightmares or the town or how terrible school felt every day for just one day. He hoped Philip could too.

"Right. Sure, I'll go. Does your dad...?"

"Dude. Stop. Worrying. Okay?" He smiled when a little chuckle came from the other side.

"Do you think they might want to sponsor you _because_ you are gay?"

"Well, that would be really weird and I don't want that. I want them to sponsor me because I'm the best"

Philip giggled. Ah, he knew Lukas was the best, even if he didn't say it. Or at least Lukas felt like the best in the whole world. 

"Do you have enough room in your bedroom for all that ego?"

He laughed. _That little shit_. 

"It gets a little crowded but we're good" He smiled and dropped himself onto his bed. "Can you believe things are this good?"

Silence.

"I'm happy for you"

"Philip... what's up?" 

He heard a small sigh and someone talking, a woman. Probably Helen.

"Just stuff, you know? Been thinking about my own future"

Lukas swallowed. That was unexplored terrain. He knew Philip hadn't stopped to think about that _ever_ , and now he had a lot of opportunities. And that was great, it really was. Lukas only wanted what was best for him. Was it so wrong to want Philip to stay with him?

He didn't know why he had this feeling like Philip was going to go away suddenly, disappear into the city and become another face in the crowd. God, if he could just drop everything and live on an island with him just eating coconuts or whatever, he would be fine. 

"You know you have my support, Philip"

"That's nice but I just want your dick"

Lukas laughed at that. Well, yeah, Philip was like that sometimes.

"Jerk"

"Aha. See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure. Love you" He said before hanging up and it was only then when he _noticed_. He had said it. On the phone. And then he hung up.  
 _Fuck._


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, as you can see this work is part of a Series now eheheh. I just discovered I cant give enough closure right now, and well, the ideas just popped in my brain. I hope you will want to read it? Let me know!   
> Last chapter of this part coming tomorrow (hopefully when I get home).   
> Part 1.5 will be up already completed for you to read (hopefully soon after chapter 14), and part 2 right after that if things go my way.   
> Enjoy! And hope you like it :)

"We can talk about touring the States once you win a good amount of races" Lukas could hear what they were saying, but he wasn't able to understand. Alright. He _did_ understand but it all seemed like a dream. A _good_ fucking dream.

This sponsorship was _good_ , maybe not the best and maybe it would fall apart if he didn't win anything but it was the best news he had had in a long time. 

Philip was sitting next to him, looking lost. He was adorable. Bo didn't like that he was there, he made it pretty clear when he showed up at the house, but Lukas wanted him there and he stood up for Philip. It was nice. 

"This is a big deal, Lukas. We expect the best from you... we heard you rejected another sponsorship a couple of months ago"   
Lukas swallowed hard.

"Yes, it was-..." 

"My son was in danger at the moment, it's all done now" Bo interrupted, and Lukas wanted to scream at him. He could talk for himself, _thank you very much_.

"What was going on?"

Lukas felt his stomach drop if he fucked this one up he was sure he wouldn't get another sponsor. No fucking way. You only get one second chance. 

"I was an eyewitness. A police... uhm, an agent did... uh." 

"He saw a murder" Bo interrupted again, but this time Lukas wanted to hug him. "The guy got away and tried to come for my son. He wasn't in the best state of mind" 

The sponsor, a good looking man -clearly from a big city-, frowned and stared at Lukas like he was a thing. Well, that's what he probably was to them right? A product. A product to promote another product. To promote them. Not that he cared much, but it felt weird to be looked at that way.

"Are you okay now?" 

"One hundred percent, yes" 

Philip pressed his knee against Lukas' under the table, making him remember he wasn't alone. Of course he wasn't alone. Philip was there and things would be okay. That was his mantra now, _everything will be okay_. He didn't believe it but he had to think it over and over again. Maybe one day he would.

"I'm sure we will see that when you win the race this weekend" 

Lukas smiled, great. Pressure. Ugh.

"You will," He said, and he kind of wished he hadn't because now _he had to_ win the race. 

*

Philip took his hand when the sponsor left and they were alone. It seemed like there was some big thing they had to discuss but Lukas couldn't think about anything. His mind was blank and his heart was still beating fast and hard against his ribs. 

"He said nothing about us" 

"Hm," He knew he had to say something about that but was it such a big deal now? Everyone knew and his life -surprisingly- didn't end. Well, it kind of did. The 'straight-nice-Lukas' died, but he wasn't so sad about it; that guy was a jerk. He didn't want to be like that anymore. Not when he looked at those big warm brown eyes and felt like a king. 

"Lukas?" 

He moved his head to look at him. God. Those eyes. Everyone writes about green and blue eyes and all that shit, but never about brown eyes. Lukas thought that was really unfair. What if he wanted to give Philip a poem or something? 

Those eyes were big and sweet and loving and they felt like fire. _Fire_. Sometimes when Philip laughed his eyes would burn so bright Lukas had to look away. And other times, when they were together, he would give him a look that was warm like a small fire in winter. 

There was something about brown eyes... Like they were wood waiting to burst into flames. 

"Lukas? Did you hear me?" 

"Yeah?..." 

Philip gave him the 'I know when you are lying' look and Lukas tried to smiled his way out of that. If he told him why he was so distracted Philip was going to think he was completely stupid, so he said nothing.

"Sorry"

"I just told you I've decided what I'm going to do." 

Shit. 

Okay. Okay, it was all good.

"I want to study photography and arts and whatever... Helen said it was okay, and I swear I'm going to pay everything back. I swear." This one was a big talk. Lukas knew it and suddenly he... wasn't so nervous anymore. He had an idea about how it was going to go. He felt decided, he felt light. He felt… 

After the murders and coming out, he realized he hadn’t been worrying about his sexuality as much as before. Yeah, he still felt the pang of shame after sex, or when people looked at him funny but he had Philip and he was sure of what he felt. He loved this boy. He loved him so much and that love had to be pure. It had to be. Nothing involving Philip could be a sin. That was just ridiculous. 

“I’m going to study photography and film or something. Back in the city, you know for uh… University and stuff” Philip didn’t look up at him, staring straight at their hands. Lukas knew he wasn’t sure about it. Not because he didn’t want it, but because he didn’t want Lukas to be mad.   
Maybe he _was_ becoming good at reading Philip’s mind.   
So, Lukas decided to be the strong one for once. He moved and hugged him tightly, laughing softly against his shoulder.

“That’s amazing, dude! You’re gonna be so good” 

He noticed the surprised on Philip’s body, but the boy eventually gave in and hugged him back, tighter than Lukas had expected. _Good_.  
Philip needed to know he supported him and that he was going to be with him all the way to whatever life had in store for them.  
He really hoped life and fate and God or whatever had a big plan that involved them being together for all eternity. 

“You’re okay with it?”

“Yeah. I mean, if I’m going to be travelling through the country running my races, it’s not fair to leave you here all alone missing me and waiting for my dear return” He laughed when Philip punched him on the side, yeah, he was being a little bit stupid. It was only because he felt happy. 

Philip grabbed his shirt and pulled him in for a kiss, it was soft and bittersweet. Lukas wasn’t stupid, he knew the following years were going to be hard and probably take a toll on their relationship. He had no experience on this long-distance thing and he knew Philip didn’t either. What was it going be like? What if Philip met someone else? What if, even if they didn’t find anyone else, they decided the best thing was to be alone? 

He had no idea how the world would be without Philip, he didn’t want to think about it either. He remembered how it had been before the boy, and he didn’t want to go back to that. Not for a second. 

“So, you’re cool with it?”

“You already asked that” Lukas smiled and nodded again to reassure him. “It’s not like The Notebook; like you won’t miss my letters and stuff. We have Skype and cellphones”

Philip had one eyebrow arched and was giving him a look.

“The _Notebook_? Really?”

Lukas laughed and pushed him softly “Shut up”

“You are such an idiot,” Philip said before holding his hand, fingers intertwined. 

Yup. Lukas knew he was, but he didn’t mind anymore. It made him happy, and it made Philip laugh. 

He pulled Philip closer so they could kiss. He wanted to treasure these moments and keep them in the back of his mind for when things got loud or complicated. Philip was his safe place.   
He was home. God, he was going to miss him so much. 

“You still have to teach me how to swim” Philip whispered, without looking at him. 

“And you still have to tell me what’s up with you and water” Lukas responded, without looking at his boyfriend either. It was a silent promise, one that wasn’t even presented as such. They still had things to go over, things to experience together. Would they do it as friends? or lovers? Would things be like he wanted? Please, God. _Please_ , he pleaded silently. 

“You owe me a real date” Philip continued, this time looking up at him. Lukas tried to be brave and looked down, oh. Oh, Philip’s eyes were so sad he wanted to kiss him until that changed. He supposed his own face looked the same. They both knew. They knew what it meant.   
But Lukas would never ask him to give up his ambitions. And he knew Philip felt the same way about his motocross career. 

They were bound and gagged, drowning and no one was coming to rescue them. 

“We still have to run away together” He moved closer and kissed Philip without giving him time to speak. 

Again, it felt bittersweet. He wanted to be a teenager forever; he wanted to freeze time in that precise moment when his lips were touching Philip’s. He wanted for everything to stay like that.

But that wasn’t going to happen. 

“Don’t date any college dudes”

Philip snorted and gave him a look “Don’t ride any competitors” 

Alright. The little shit. What was he going to do without Philip to sass him around? No, really. He sighed and smiled sadly.

“I told you, only you can ride my bike”

Philip laughed loudly at that and gave him a look that could melt glaciers. Yes, those eyes were made of pure _fire_.


	14. Chapter 14 [Almost two years later]

Philip finished packing and looked around his room. This was what he talked about when nobody was listening. This was exactly what always happened. He always had to leave. Nothing was permanent. This time the motive was good, he was going to study the thing he loved, to try and create a future for himself. Either way, that meant leaving his home, his friends, his foster parents, Lukas… Everything that had given him a reason to get out of the bed in the mornings was going to be miles and miles away from him. 

No. No. It was just one Skype call away, that’s how Lukas had put it. And he had to believe that was it. 

He knew Lukas didn’t want him to go, -almost- two years of therapy will do that. Or at least he thought. He was getting better, they both were. Even if _better_ wasn’t close to _completely fine_. Who needs normal, right?   
He sighed and walked down the stairs because Helen was calling for him. 

“What?” He said going down the stairs pretty quickly, he had grown used to the house. Two years of living there will do that too. 

“Lukas is outside” She smiled. Weird. He hadn’t heard his bike and Lukas never left the damn thing. Sometimes he wondered if he was going to bring it to the bedroom too.

God, he was so _married_ to him already. He felt something twist inside. He wanted that to be true. He sighed and ran outside, smiling at Lukas.   
Hm. He had a _look_ on his face. What had he done now?

Philip sighed and arched one eyebrow.

“No. NO, no” Lukas started “I haven’t done anything bad. I got you a present”

“I thought we said no going-away gifts?”

Lukas shrugged. Yeah, he clearly had heard but decided not to obey. Classic Lukas.

“But this one is important. And you will love it, I assure you”

“Hm, how confident.”

“You know me and my ego” Lukas smiled and pulled him in for a kiss “Hi” 

He smiled back, looking at those big blue eyes. They had been extremely close lately, probably preparing themselves for the time they would have to spend apart. 

When Lukas started walking away from the house Philip started to feel uneasy. What was this gift? Alright, maybe he didn’t like surprises much, but it wasn’t that he was ungrateful, he just wanted to know everything that was happening. To be in control.Somehow.  
Lukas stopped near the barn.

“Close your eyes”

He did and crossed his arms “Is this another bouquet of roses? Because the last one ended up on the floor and I didn’t even get to bring it back home…”

He heard something. What was that? He frowned, a whimper? What…? 

“Open up, idiot,” Lukas said.

Philip was frowning but his eyes remained closed for a moment. Alright, he didn’t know what he was going to find but… He opened them up and he almost melted right then. Lukas was holding a puppy, he had no idea what kind of dog it was because it didn’t look like a purebred but he didn’t care at all. It was the most adorable puppy he had ever seen.

“Lukas… I can’t…”

Lukas shook his head “No. I already talked to Helen and Gabe”

“But I’m going away”

“Ah! See? That’s the only good thing about being diagnosed with PTSD. It turns out, that this little buddy can be your company dog, they _have_ to let him be with you all the time.”

Philip didn’t know what to say. Yes, he had PTSD but he didn’t have as many panic attacks as before. Still, he was so touched. That dog… And Lukas… 

_Lukas._

“Lukas…” He moved forward, kissing him on the lips and almost crushing the poor pup between them. Philip moved away laughing and feeling a small harmless bite from the dog. “Sorry, boy. Come here…”

He held the puppy and looked at his big eyes. It was so innocent and… alright, Philip had always wanted a dog. But he knew he wasn’t able to take care of one living with his mom, and he wasn’t going to make Helen and Gabe get one for him. 

“So, what’s his name?” Lukas seemed so anxious, obviously wondering if his gift was good enough if he had liked it. Such an amazing boyfriend he was. 

“Hm. He looks like a Max to me”

Lukas made him a face “that’s a human name”

He laughed “Sh, he’s your child too. Don’t be rude” 

The look that Lukas gave him spoke thousands of words and made Philip feel thunder and lighting inside his brain. God, yes. He wanted all of that with him. He kissed the puppy on the head and let him move aroundon the grass.

It was so adorable he almost wanted to cry or laugh, or keep petting Max forever.

“You know? I expect visitation if he’s my child”

“So dramatic, Lukas”

Lukas chuckled and kneeled next to him, playing with the dog. “How about I see him once every three months?”

Three months. Philip smiled and scratched the pup’s belly. 

“We can do that”

They looked at each other. Yeah, he could totally meet him every three months. They would make this work. They had to.   
“Will we have our date then?” he teased, but Lukas had an intense look on his face.

“Yes”

God, he felt like a fool for having butterflies run all the way from his stomach to his chest at that simple word. They would have their date, they would see each other soon.

This wasn’t the end. This was just the beginning. They would dominate the long-distance thing, he knew they would.

He smiled and pulled Lukas closer for a kiss. 

This wasn’t the end, only fools would think _that_. 

End of Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this and being SO nice to me. I felt extremely comfortable writing this and all of your comments kept me going :)  
> I know this chapter is pretty short, because it's some sort of epilogue. But don't worry! Part 1.5 is coming pretty soon, if you want to read it? You can leave the story here if you want, but I promise part 2.0 is extremely fluffy and adorable and you'll like it ;) ;)   
> And don't worry, these two are made to be together. They have other stuff to figure out.
> 
> Oh! And I always keep my word, Philip needed a puppy.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it. This is my first fic in a LONG time, and I wasn't really sure about uploading it at all.  
> Also, there will be homophobia and teen angst here, but I wont be really mean to my boys. I just really love them.  
> (and yes, I plan on doing a flashback about the party)


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